Pluto's Random Ramblings

9 thinge I hate about people

2009-06-18T09:43:00.000+01:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where is yours?
2. People who are willing to get up and search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Rubbish! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film 'Did you see that?' No, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'life is short'. What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?' If the bus came would I be standing here?

Love's young dream.

2009-06-03T13:17:00.002+01:00

My class came in and one boy, John, seemed a bit unhappy. Just then the Vice Principal came into the room and took John out. When he returned he was quite tearful. I met VP in the corridor later and asked her if John was in trouble. "No," she replied,"he's just been dumped by Samantha and he is an emotional wreck!"

Poor John. Only 12 years old and dealing with love problems. This boy has a lot to learn about life in general and women in particular!

2009-05-11T15:01:00.001+01:00

"Organised people are just too lazy to look for things."

Don't come too close. You might catch something!

2009-05-11T13:04:00.006+01:00

I haven't blogged for a while because I have been down with the flu - not man flu nor the porky type, but the real one. If I hear another joke about swine flu I'll will kill someone!

The weekend before last we went over to England for our granddaughter's christening and I spent most of the time in bed in the hotel. In spite of that, the day was great and Sophia was a wee princess.

I rallied enough to go into school to post off my classes' exam coursework and then took a nose dive. I went to the doctor who confirmed that I had flu. I phoned my wife at her school to tell her the news but her friends were very annoyed that I didn't have swine flu so that the school could be closed because of quarantine! Even Mrs Pluto received the news in a manner which suggested that I had let her down!!

Anyway, the doctor said that I should rest for the remainder of the week. He said that I would be sitting on the sofa, drinking coffee, watching TV and feeling guilty but I needed the rest. Happy days. I took his advice.

Money, money, money!

2009-04-28T08:43:00.002+01:00

Yesterday my wife went out to the back garden and found money on the grass. There were a number of banknotes scattered about. Had the leprechauns left a present? No. The dog had gotten hold of her purse and had savaged it. Thankfully, she (the dog, not Mrs Pluto!) didn't eat the money or I would have had to check dog poo for days!

Up, up and away.

2009-04-21T09:48:00.003+01:00

The trip to New York was a tremendous success and I earned lots of extra brownie points. However, a major problem developed the day before we left. I was checking the e-tickets and discovered that my wife and I were not sitting beside eachother. I tried unsuccessfully to change the seats with the travel agent but the nice staff at the check-in sorted things out. (Many thanks to those lovely people at Belfast International Airport)

When we boarded the plane we discovered we sitting beside the emergency exit over the wing which meant we had extra leg room. Happy days. Then I read the safety instructions on the card in the seat pocket. Apparently in the event of an emergency landing I had to remove the emergency door, shout "Release seatbelts. Come this way!" ensure that the emergency chute had deployed and help passengers escape. I only wanted to change my seat, not join Continental Airlines cabin crew!

I felt that, with such a responsibility, I should have a dry run to see if I were up to the job and to ensure that the evacuation procedures worked. My wife thought differently; she had her way.

Happy Birthday to me.

2009-04-06T13:11:00.005+01:00

Today is my birthday and, being a generous type of person, I thought I would celebrate it by buying cream buns for some of my colleagues. When I complained that none of them had wished me a Happy Birthday, I was set upon and given the bumps. For a person of my advancing age this was very undignified. To add insult to injury they told the pupils it was my birthday. As a result kids have been coming up to me all day, not to wish me Happy Birthday, but to try and guess my age.

Sometimes it is better to say nothing.

My secret is out.

2009-04-03T14:15:00.005+01:00

I was applying online for my visa to visit New York and had to answer the following question?
Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved , in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?
I wonder how many people actually answer "Yes" to this question? My wife left me to complete her application and I was tempted to tick the "Yes" box for a laugh, but I knew there would be consequences (more from my wife than the US government) and thought better of it.

The Big Apple

2009-04-01T08:44:00.010+01:00

I thought it would be nice to take my wife on a short break at Easter, so I spent some time surfing the net (always a dangerous thing) and came up with the idea of a trip to New York. Of, course Mrs Pluto warmed to the idea. I know that the pound is not great against the dollar at present but I am making a huge investment in brownie points.

My son went to NY last year and has raved about it ever since. Before I booked the trip we discussed what we could do and my son went on at great length describing the city. My daughter obviously was getting a bit fed up with his presentation which seemed to be written by the NY Tourist Board and sent me a text message from her bedroom which was directly above the room we were in: "Please book the trip to shut him up!"

So, next week we are flying directly from Belfast to Newark with Continental Airlines. I have ranted at some length about Ryan Air so it was pleasantly surprising to discover Continental's baggage allowance. It was so generous that I contacted the airline to check that I had correctly read their website. I spoke to a lovely American lady who assured me that we were allowed 2 bags each up to 23kg per bag, a carry-on bag up to 18kg (Continental's carry-on allowance is more than Ryan Air's check-in allowance), and a personal item such as a laptop. (Wait a minute! I talked to an American lady? I thought I was phoning someone in London!) My aim now is to convince my wife that the baggage allowance is a maximum weight and not a target.

OK, so far.

2009-03-26T15:05:00.001Z

Satnav: an exciting alternative.......again!

2009-03-25T13:36:00.004Z

I blogged sometime ago (here) about using my satnav to get through Dublin during the Dublin Marathon. At least I had the sense not to run over the Garda, unlike this plonker!

Man bag

2009-03-12T13:50:00.003Z

After seeing Jack Baur in 24 I have thought how useful it would be to have a man bag. Not that I would carry a gun, a few hand grenades and enough electronic equipment to hack into the Bank of England, but it would hold all the paraphernalia that goes with the modern man. My pockets are bulging with wallet, mobile phone, full-sized man's handkerchief, coins, pens, sweets, PDA, pen drive, iPod and notes to remind me of things. All these could fit into one handy bag - man bag, NOT handbag. Yesterday I heard a man talking on the radio about the range of bags for men produced by his company, Blokesbags so I had a look. Some of them seemed fit for purpose. However, I don't think I'll get myself one; I have seen my wife, and every other woman I know, trying to find things in their handbags!

By the way, do any of you men own a man bag or have any interesting things in your pockets??

I'm in the top earners list!

2009-02-27T17:38:00.002Z

I came across the Global Rich List site and found that, according to my income, I'm in the top 1% of earners! That may sound impressive but the site also shows that compared to many people in the world I am very well off. I will never complain about my modest teacher's salary again - well, not as often as I do.

Who is that guy?

2009-02-27T12:06:00.002Z

The other day in class we were discussing space flight etc. One of the boys asked, "Sir, when they are speaking to the astronauts why is it always that man Houston who does the talking?" Fair question.

The mystery of Ireland's worst driver

2009-02-23T10:15:00.000Z

It could only happen in Ireland! Click

Ruby Thursday is now weekly!

2009-02-19T11:56:00.009Z

Two other male teachers and I are very interested in food and we try to have something different for lunch occasionally eg, barbecues, Ulster fries (aka Death on a Plate!) and various kinds of sandwiches. One of the more successful gastronomic adventures has been Ruby Thursday. For my international readers, a ruby (short for Ruby Murray) is Cockney rhyming slang for a curry, although I'm not sure why because Ruby Murray was a singer from Belfast.

We take it in turns to bring in supermarket ready meals and the curries are a big success. We normally buy an Indian Meal for Two from Tescos or ASDA; this is adequate for the three of us - we have to watch our waistlines! What has been an occasional Indian curry is now every Thursday. It's worth coming into school for!

Our problem is that we're not sure if the Indian from ASDA or Tescos is better but we intend to carry out extensive research to find the answer!!

Half Term Holiday

2009-02-17T14:44:00.009Z

I was on half term last week. My wife also had half term but when we looked at our holiday list a few weeks ago we realised that we only had one day off school at the same time. I tried hard to look suitably disappointed and I think I got away with it! I told her that I would take her to England for a nice, romantic Valentine's weekend but she saw through that immediately because we were going to see our granddaughter, Sophia. Ah well, you can't win them all.

We went down to breakfast where we were staying on the first morning and we were surprised to find that we were the only people in the restaurant, which turned out to be just as well. I went to the buffet table and lifted a glass for some orange juice but two had stuck together. As I tried to separate them one shattered. I don't mean cracked, but actually shattered. I suspect that one was put on top of the other to dry and they became well and truly stuck. I accept no responsibility for that! The waiter was OK about it.

Then there was the incident with the toaster. It was one of those conveyor belt things where the bread travels between two heating elements and falls out onto a tray at the bottom at which point everyone standing around waiting tries to work out whose toast it is. I put my bread in and after a few moments I had to call the waiter again. "Er, excuse me but my toast has just caught fire!" (Deja vu?) The waiter fiddled with a few knobs and the next piece of toast was fine. The toaster was on the wrong settings so I accept no responsibility for that either!

The rest of the weekend was fine and we had a great time with Sophia.

Let it snow :-(

2009-02-05T11:48:00.005Z

The snow which has been falling in other parts of the country has finally arrived in Northern Ireland. We had a difficult journey to school this morning and arrived a bit late but quite frazzled. However, why is it that when the kids have a brilliant excuse to stay off they struggle in and then spend the rest of the day asking if they are getting home early?

More doggy news

2009-02-03T11:30:00.004Z

I never thought it would take so much effort to train a dog! We are taking Sasha to puppy classes where she is learning a lot and she has picked up some commands. (If these classes are a success I was thinking of taking my wife along!) However, we still have a long way to go (with the dog, not my wife). She chews everything and I have learned the hard way not to leave anything lying around.

One of the benefits of having a dog is that I am now getting regular exercise by taking Sasha for a walk. Also, I have never spoken to as many people in my street because they stop to admire the white fur ball. My daughter and I were walking home from the shops with the dog when a car screeched to a halt beside us and a lady jumped out. "Is this Sasha?" she asked. It turned out that she had 2 samoyeds and her friend, one of our neighbours, told her that we had one. I have been upstaged by a dog!

The power of music

2009-01-16T11:01:00.003Z

Further to my last post, I have been searching the internet for puppy-related information and came across this video. It's amazing. I was wondering how this technique would work with a different species because I might try it on my livelier classes.

A man's best friend.

2009-01-12T10:24:00.009Z

If you have read my post Pluto: The Next Generation, you will know that we had a new addition to the family. Well, we have had another new member to the Pluto family - a Samoyed pup. My twenty-something year old daughter organised a subtle campaign to get the pup. She started showing us pictures of lovely pups and had perfected that "puppy look" in her eyes when she was showing them. She showed us websites etc etc and started talking about what we would do when we got a dog. I was the first to cave in. Mrs Pluto took a bit longer. My son was dead against having a canine in the house but his girlfriend said that he kept referring to it as "our dog" so he has given in as well.

I knew that having a dog in the house would require some life-style changes but I never thought that a wee, white ball of fur would have such an effect. I just changed my car and had to take into account that I needed one that was dog-friendly.

We are working very hard now at training Sasha but I never realised there would be so much pooh and pee. At least I am getting some well-needed exercise through puppy walking!

You're not worthy!

2008-12-20T19:58:00.001Z

One of my pupils gave me a Christmas card and on it she wrote: "To the best teacher ever." What more can I say?

Laugh and the world laughs with you.

2008-12-04T13:22:00.002Z

The other day I had just come into school and I got the distinct impression that there was something wrong with one of my shoes. There was. I was wearing an odd pair! At least they were both black. Should I go home immediately and change them or brave it out. I decided that there were worse things in life than wearing odd shoes so I stayed. No one actually noticed my faux pas until I told two members of staff and then it was advertised near and far. I even got mocking text messages from staff who weren't in school that day.

That was very embarassing but nowhere near as bad as my collegue who actually admitted that yesterday he tried to de-ice his windscreen with a can of white paint. The penny still hadn't dropped at the end of the day when his was the only car in the car park with "ice" on the windscreen! He even had another go with the paint spray!

If the children ever got to hear what their teachers were really like .....

Pluto: The Next Generation

2008-11-19T09:29:00.004Z

We got a phone call just after 5 o'clock this morning. It was our son to tell us that our daughter-in-law had just given birth to a bouncing baby girl. This is our first grandchild and I intend to spoil the young lady rotten. That was the good news; the bad news is that I am now married to a granny!

Nine Expressions Women Use

2008-11-10T14:51:00.003Z

A friend (obviously male) gave me this and I thought I all the men in cyberspace would value the advice.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the match before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually an expression, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome’. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is another way of saying #6!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

RipoffAir

2008-10-23T15:30:00.005+01:00

Mrs Pluto and I recently flew to London with Ryanair. Yes, this is another rant about RipoffAir! Onboard we were charged £8 for 2 cups of coffee and 2 biscuits. However, that was partly offset by looking through the in-flight catalogue. Ryanair were selling a number of interesting things besides aftershave and perfume. Mind you, I have never actually seen anyone buying an electronic rodent scarer nor a wireless doorbell.

Tagged

2008-09-22T14:35:00.007+01:00

Ali has tagged me (again!) To get her off my back I have to give 8 random facts about myself. So here goes in no particular order:

1. My earliest memory consists of having my head stuck in my toy lorry. I wanted to see what was inside; that seems quite reasonable.

2. I used to work in Harland & Wolff, where the Titanic was built; no, I did not work there when the ill-fated ship was actually being built! Also, the Titanic was alright when it left Belfast so it's not our fault it sank.

3. My favourite desert is apple crumble and custard, with banoffee pie coming a close second.

4. I worked in Nigeria with a missionary society and taught in a church school. While there, we were buying some souvenirs from a Hausa trader and I jokingly asked him how much he would give me for my wife (as you do!) He offered some serious money and I was giving it serious consideration until Mrs Pluto pulled me away.

5. I was arrested in Russia during the summer.

6. My first job as a newly qualified teacher was in the school I attended as a pupil. It was strange, at first, going into the staffroom and calling my former teachers by their first name. I had the grace to forgive those who had caned me as a pupil.

7. At the end of a family holiday in Sardinia I discovered that I had lost my passport just as we were setting off to the airport. However, EasyJet let me on to the plane with my driving licence as proof of identity. To be honest, I was hoping for a few extra days on the island on my own while the British Consulate issued me a new passport.

8. During a trip to Ukraine I accidentally told a lady I loved her! I think my wife saw the funny side of it.

(Now stop nagging me, Ali!)

Dick who?

2008-09-20T15:39:00.001+01:00

Further to my comments about Dick Turpin, the famous highwayman, my wife and I were in York earlier this year. I was looking in a brochure for a list of things to see in the city and found that Turpin was buried in the city. I thought this might be interesting so off I went, Mrs Pluto in tow.

The map wasn't very clear and we had a bit of trouble finding the grave. Even a local couldn't direct us to the spot where the most famous of England's highwaymen was buried.

We eventually found the grave in what appeared to be a garden next to a church. The outlaw's final resting place was marked by a simple headstone.

Honour thy father

2008-09-17T14:41:00.000+01:00

The other night I put the bin out for collection and it was raining; what’s new? However, it was a very fine drizzle and made a lovely orange haze around the streetlights. It also had the effect of dampening (no pun intended) sounds giving the evening a peaceful feeling.

I went back into the house and told my wife and daughter how peaceful it was outside. I said that I was even tempted to stand outside in the rain with an umbrella just to experience the calmness.

My daughter’s comment was, “Mum, he’s my dad and I had no choice, but you MARRIED him!”

Stand and deliver!

2008-09-09T15:25:00.006+01:00

Mrs Pluto and I have planned a weekend trip to London (no, I did not use the word "romantic"). As I blogged before, my daughter got a fantastic deal from Ryanair so we looked up the website to see what was on offer. The flights were reasonably cheap so I started to complete the online booking form. This was when the cost started to go up.

I found that it cost £24 to check in one piece of luggage, including the privilege of having a member of staff stick on one of those annoying destination labels at the check-in desk. Mrs Pluto was informed that she would just have to pack her hairdryer in a rucksack along with all her balms and lotions (in plastic containers no larger than 100ml). I also discovered that those sneaky Ryanair people had ticked the box to buy their travel insurance; this was unticked.

What really annoyed me, however, was the charge for using a credit card. Now I know that it costs to process payments by credit card but surely not £4 per person per flight? This put the cost up by another £16. Only one payment had to be processed therefore, in my simplistic view, only £4 should be charged.

Dick Turpin is alive and well and works for Ryanair

Merry ...........

2008-09-03T08:54:00.001+01:00

I have just been reminded by my "friend" Ali that there are 113 days til Christmas! Thanks, Ali!!

Public Enemy Number 1

2008-08-06T18:25:00.006+01:00

In July I had the opportunity of going to the Russian city of Novosibirsk with a Christian organisation. Novosibirsk is in Siberia and every time I told someone I was going I was asked about the snow and freezing temperatures. No one seemed to realise that in summer the temperatures can reach 40C!

The team I was with worked in a small town about 600km from Novosibirsk and we were involved in running kids' clubs and English lessons. We travelled by overnight train and the sleeping arrangements were interesting. Suffice it to say that the berths were very close together and I got to know some Russians really well!

The kids were lovely and things went very well until we had some problems with the authorities. Now, I am a very boring, law-abiding person and I have never been in trouble with the police, even for a motoring offence. (OK, there was the time I was stopped by the police in Florida but I didn't get a ticket so that doesn't count.) You can imagine how I felt when I was arrested by none other than the FSB (the former KGB!) We were accused of not registering our stay in the town and carted off in a police van to the local nick.

The local police were rather more laid back about the situation. They treated us very well and let us go after about an hour and a half during which time we all had to make statements. It seems that the FSB were just making things difficult for the local church.

Of course, when I got home my friends had a field day! One accused my wife of tipping off the FSB and another said that I was only allowed home because the Russian authorities recognised they had to adhere to international human rights, something Mrs Pluto hasn't signed up to!

It was encouraging to know that during my incarceration my family was very concerned. I received a text message from my daughter: "My dad is an international criminal. Oh the shame!"

Howdy Pardner

2008-06-23T11:04:00.003+01:00

Some of you may have spotted that I have not been blogging regularly of late. I have been busy with other things and I have been meaning to get back down to some serious complaining. Anyway, my catalyst is George W. Bush.

George W. came to Belfast last week and, while it was nice of him to visit the Province, I cannot understand that he was only here for about 3 hours in the afternoon but the traffic in the Greater Belfast area came to a complete gridlock for most of the evening. I know a number of schools closed for the afternoon and maybe my rant stems from the fact that my school wasn't one of them!

Tiocfaidh Ár Lá

2008-04-18T08:30:00.002+01:00

I was taking a Religious Education class and we were discussing what happened at Easter. I asked the class what word described Jesus coming back to life; I wanted them to use "resurrection". There was total silence along with much scratching of heads, looking to the ceiling and face contortions, all to impress me that brains were in gear.

"It starts with R," I said, helpfully.

One hand shot up immediately and a boy answered, "The Easter Rising!"

(You need to know something about Irish history to get that one)

Not guilty

2008-04-14T17:41:00.002+01:00

The school fire alarm went off again today! The pupils and staff assembled in the playground as normal and I got a lot of friendly abuse for setting it off again. (Read what happened last time) However, this time I was not the culprit; another teacher had knocked against the sensor.

Smoke gets in your eyes (again)

2008-04-11T13:13:00.002+01:00

We (ie, myself and some other male members of staff) had a BBQ at lunchtime today. There's nothing wrong with that, you may think. However, it's a bit early in the year for BBQs and in Ireland we can usually only have them on about 3 days a year. Also it was raining. But the thing that makes this one different is that we had it in the conservatory, sorry greenhouse! I did check that there were no smoke detectors nearby (see my previous post)

The thing that worries me is, not the reaction that will come from the jealous female members of staff, but the reaction that comes from eating undercooked pork sausages! We only have three quarters of an hour for lunch and we had to rush some things.

Amen!

2008-04-11T09:31:00.008+01:00

I take morning assembly in school once a week. I quite enjoy it even though at times it's a bit like performing in a tough working men's club in the North of England.

Many of our pupils have Asberger's syndrome so you're never sure what they will say or do. For example, at the end of assembly one pupil stood up and made the announcement: "I would just like to say that there are going to be gales tonight so everybody better get ready." Thanks for the weather forecast! Then there was the time that the Principal had lost the place in her notes and was a bit hesitant about what was coming next. One boy shouted out: "Oh, get on with it!" Kids! You can't beat them (pity!)

It is customary to finish the assembly off with the whole school saying The Lord's Prayer. I got through everything without too much static from the kids and was well into the prayer. I expect trouble from the kids but not the staff. In the middle of the prayer a teacher's mobile phone went off. It had one of those ringtones that seems like a great idea to have on your mobile until it begins to play in an inappropriate place, eg a funeral service, church ........ morning assembly. He got away with it (unlike my faux pas with the fire alarm) because the Principal thought it was a pupil's phone that was ringing.

I don't mean to be irreverent but I can recite The Lord's Prayer backwards in my sleep. However, I have been put off by the pupils a few times and it's very hard to get back on track; it's a bit like trying to count while someone shouts out random numbers. (Try it and see how difficult it is) Because of past experiences I have the Prayer on a card in my Bible for emergencies and boy was I glad of it that day!

Click here if you want to here the offending ringtone.

Smoke gets in your eyes

2008-04-02T13:14:00.003+01:00

I was doing a simple experiment with the kids yesterday and, as part of it, I demonstrated what happens when magnesium burns. Normally this demonstration is accompanied by a chorus of "Ooh!" "Aah" "Cor, do it again, sir!" This time, however, there was the additional sound of the fire alarm! The smoke detectors in the new school seem to be more sensitive than the ones in the old school.

As a result, the entire school (including the principal who had just left my room with some visitors she was showing around at the time) evacuated to the playground. I was a bit shame-faced as you can imagine but I thought that if I said nothing then I might just get away with it. Not so. Every class has a blabber mouth and before long it was around the whole school that I was the culprit. OK, so it was a bit chilly, but there was no need for the staff to take it so personally and issue me with more death threats than Salman Rushdie.

Make my day, (furry) punk!

2008-03-20T15:12:00.001Z

Recently we had a visit from a wee furry friend in the house. I managed to chase it around the kitchen and out the door to the back garden. Mrs Pluto promptly ordered me over to B&Q to get a mousetrap. I was amazed at the variety of ways of catching the wee blighters. One humane trap stated that when the mouse was caught it should be released at least 1km from the house! I just wanted to get rid of the mouse, not take it for a drive in the country. I didn’t want to befriend it, just terminate it. So, it was one small rodent versus one homo sapient with attitude and technology. There was only going to be one outcome – and it was not David and Goliath Part 2. If you want to see what happened click here, but it’s not for the squeamish.

Foiled!

2008-03-18T18:41:00.003Z

I sometimes do a spot of blogging in school - during my break and lunchtime (just in case my Principal somehow finds this blog and becomes an avid fan!). However, the school has raised the level of security on the system and now I cannot access Blogger. Is this mean, or what? Wait a minute! Maybe the Principal has come across my blog, doesn't like it and has changed the filters on the school computer network .....

..... It's OK, Boss, I'll get the School Development Plan finished right away!!

It makes you think

2008-02-11T15:34:00.000Z

We had problems with our water supply over the weekend. A burst water main meant we had reduced pressure downstairs and no water upstairs. We fared better than our neighbours across the street because they had no supply at all. It made me think of those who don't have the luxury of water on tap at any time.

We have it very easy in this country!

I am so smrt!

2008-02-11T11:21:00.000Z

I just checked my blog's readability level with Blog Readability Test. Apparently it's undergraduate level. Wow! It must all them big words I use. I just wish I knew what half of them meant.

Is it Friday yet?

2008-02-08T13:08:00.001Z

Well done Northern Ireland Railways

2008-01-29T15:09:00.000Z

I had to travel into town without my car this morning so I thought I would accompany my daughter. She drives to the railway station, parks her car and commutes to Belfast by train.

Now, I haven't been on a local train for some time so I was pleasantly surprised at the comfortable, road-rage-free trip. The carriages were modern, clean and warm. I would travel this way in future if my work was convenient to a station. My only gripe - there's always one! - is that the recorded announcements were made by an English lady. What's wrong with having a Norn Iron voice?

The worst part of the trip was the five-minute drive to the station. It brought back my traumatic experiences of teaching Miss Pluto to drive!

I want one of those

2008-01-28T18:54:00.000Z

There is a trend nowadays for electronic devices to have a number of functions. For example, my mobile phone has a camera, mp3 player, voice recorder, light, calendar, notepad, internet connection, calculator and plays games. Oh yes, it lets me make phone calls as well. My iPod lets me do more than just play music. So, I was interested to read that you can now get a taser holster with an integrated media player! I couldn’t help wondering what this was for – the media player, not the taser. Is it to play soothing music while the victim comes round? Or maybe it lets the police catch up on the latest episode of The Bill while they wait for the criminal to be coherent enough to give a statement.

I have already checked with the Department of Education for Northern Ireland and, unfortunately, I am not allowed to use any sort of taser in the classroom

Spot the Teacher

2008-01-17T11:59:00.000Z

I started back to school last week after a fortnight off for Christmas. (Note to non-teachers: I’m not even going to try to justify teachers’ holidays – get over it and move on!) I realised when I started last Monday that I was out on a course on Wednesday. Happy days! I’d forgotten all about it.

The course was held in W5 which is an interactive discovery centre, much visited by school trips. During our seminar some primary school kids on one of the aforementioned trips walked past our room, rapped the window and waved in. They were just being friendly, but the teacher in me wanted to go out and remonstrate with them. Some other teachers on the course later said they felt like doing the same. I have been teaching so long that I think I am institutionalised and I find I act out my role in the real world. My daughter often remarks, “Dad, stop being a teacher.”

I was in town with my daughter and spoke briefly to a friend. My daughter asked if he was a teacher and when I asked her how she knew she said, “You can spot teachers a mile away”

Can anyone tell me what it is that identifies a teacher? Mind you, I have noticed if I am out for a meal with friends that it’s always a teacher who takes charge of the menu and divides out the bill.

Tired dog

2008-01-16T13:18:00.001Z

Someone sent me this story by email and I thought I would share it with dog lovers:

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Merry Christmas

2007-12-10T13:02:00.000Z

Don’t get me wrong. I REALLY love Christmas. In fact, one year my daughter said to me, “Dad, I must be the only girl in my class who has to tell her father to settle down on Christmas Eve!”

However, there are certain things I don’t like about Christmas: Christmas cards, for one thing. I don’t see the point of sending Christmas cards to wish people a Merry Christmas when I’m going to wish them it personally. Mrs Pluto has an obsession about cards. She even carries a few spares in her handbag in case (horror of horrors) she is given a card from someone she doesn’t have on her list.

And then there is the problem of what do you do with all the cards until they can go into the recycling bin after Christmas?

If it were up to me (unfortunately, it’s not) I would only send cards to people I wont see at Christmas.

So, to all my friends – Merry Christmas

My wife will probably send you a card anyway.

Why do I bother?

2007-11-26T15:10:00.000Z

Me: Right everyone, pass me your work. I want to take it to mark it.

Pupil: Why are you taking it to market, sir?

Doh!

...but you knew that already!

2007-11-21T13:11:00.000Z

If you need a wee lift, log on to the following site but insert your first name instead of "a" and your surname instead of "b".

a.b.youaremighty.com

Warning: Do not take this site, nor yourself, too seriously!

Some things never change

2007-11-20T13:36:00.000Z

I just got a text message to deal with an urgent situation at home. My daughter is off work today and my son is having a sickie. He is feeling the cold and wants the heating on in the house and she is too warm and wants it off!

Up, up and away

2007-11-12T12:47:00.000Z

My daughter has booked a flight to spend a day Christmas shopping in London in a couple of weeks' time. She is flying from Belfast to London Stanstead with Ryan Air and the total cost for the return fare is 2p! Not 2p plus taxes, but 2p!! Considering I am now paying £1 per litre of petrol, how does Ryan Air do it?

Des Res

2007-11-09T14:05:00.000Z

If you are looking for a new des res (estate agents' jargon for "desirable residence") then read what Allan Sherman says the brochure really means:

If an ad says "unusual," that means the house has a weird architectural design.
If it says "quaint," the house is extremely old.
If it says "charming," it's the size of a doll house.
And if it says "interesting," don't even bother!

Way too soon!

2007-11-06T13:33:00.000Z

Last night I spotted two houses with christmas decorations up.

The long arm of the law

2007-11-06T13:29:00.000Z

My friend Dave is a policeman. One night while on patrol he pulled in a car which had only one tail light.

"Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" he asked the motorist.

The man replied, "Is it because I'm driving without tax and insurance?"

It could only happen in Norn Iron.

Satnav: an exciting alternative

2007-11-02T15:31:00.000Z

My wife and I decided to have a few days away for half-term and we planned a nice, relaxing break in Dun Laoghaire (for my international readers, this is on the southern outskirts of Dublin and is pronounced Dun Leery).

With the address of our hotel typed into my trusty satnav we headed South. As we neared Dublin, I was surprised that the posh English lady who gives us directions from my satnav didn't use the M50 Dublin by-pass but seemed to be guiding us through the centre of Dublin. I was even more surprised when we hit the Dublin marathon! Posh English Lady kept telling me to turn into streets but the Garda kept saying "Not this way, mate." She would not listen to my pleas - just like a woman - but tried to get me to join the marathon route. We eventually got out of Dublin and arrived at our hotel without further ado.

On the way home, Mrs Pluto decided she wanted to go to the large shopping centre at Dundrum where she invested a considerable amount of euros in the Irish economy. Once again I naively thought that Posh English Lady would get us on to the M50, which was quite near, but she must have this thing about the centre of Dublin, this time she took us through it in the middle of the rush hour!

Well-meaning friends

2007-10-26T10:54:00.000+01:00

From time to time well-meaning friends forward me emails they have received warning them of all sorts of dire consequences that will happen to their computers if they get a new virus which is doing the rounds. They have been strongly advised to forward the email to everyone in their contacts address book which is why I end up with it. Whenever I receive anything that tells me to pass this on to all my friends I do an internet search and it has always been a hoax. I usually reply to the “friends” and let them know the truth.

Another nuisance email I sometimes get, like the one that arrived this week and prompted this rant, warns me of a scam which runs up a massive phone bill if I call a particular number. This also turned out to be a hoax. Mind you, an article appeared in my local community newspaper giving credence to the scam. And here’s me thinking that everything printed in the press was true!!

I would just like to say to all my concerned, well-meaning friends: Do a google search before you forward me any warnings! You’re wasting my time!!

Already?

2007-10-20T18:46:00.000+01:00

I just heard a couple of ads for Christmas on TV. I love Christmas but is it my imagination or is the build up to Christmas getting earlier each year?

Miss November

2007-10-19T12:59:00.000+01:00

After reading my friend Ali’s blog I was reminded that we decided last year to make a Science Department Pin Up Calendar of our classroom assistants. (Not one of THOSE calendars, Ali) It began because one of the girls was a bit down and we decided to cheer her up. So she became Miss November. We did it for a laugh – nothing tasteless or smutty.

Anyway, we lost interest after November and let the whole thing drop. There were a lot of complaints from the other assistants, not because of the male chauvinist thing, but because they had not been asked to go on the calendar. You can’t win.

Let there be (no) light!

2007-10-18T08:48:00.000+01:00

I have finally gotten the lights in my classroom sorted. This is something I know has been of great interest to those of you who read my blogs on a regular basis. It turned out that they were wired wrongly (why didn't I think of that?) Now I can turn them off so that I can show the kids a DVD, play soothing music and bore them to sleep .............zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pearls before swine

2007-10-12T17:34:00.000+01:00

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast

(William Congreve)

Studies have shown that playing classical music, especially Mozart for some reason, can have a calming effect in the classroom. I have tried this on a number of occasions when the pupils are doing practical work and it seems to work.

During one class I had the radio tuned to Classic FM and there was a particularly soothing instrumental piece playing. One girl obviously had not read the research and said, “Sir, I can’t stand that opera music.”

Her friend was a bit more knowledgeable and told her, “That’s not opera music. Opera is when some woman sings at the top of her voice and you can’t make out the words.”

And here’s me thinking that was a description of heavy metal.

Light headed

2007-10-04T14:20:00.000+01:00

We have just moved to a new, purpose-built school. It is great because I was in a mobile classroom (why do they call them mobiles when they don’t move?) and it was not pleasant getting to the main building when the weather was bad (most of the time).

In general, I am quite happy with my new facilities even though the room is slightly smaller than my old one. One benefit of the new accommodation is that I have a conservatory adjoining my room although, for some strange reason, it is described in the architect’s plans as a greenhouse.

The school has been designed to be ‘green’ so it has many energy saving devices and recycles rainwater to flush toilets etc. My room has a modern lighting system which is operated by motion sensors. This means that the lights go off automatically. Unfortunately, I discovered that I cannot turn off the lights to watch videos or carry out experiments on light or colour unless the entire class sits perfectly still the whole time. (Yeah, that’s going to happen!) After much thought and scientific application I found that if I disabled the motion sensor with a piece of card and some sticky-back plastic then the lights could be turned off.

The builders have come up with a more permanent solution. They are going to install an ingenious manual activation device on the wall. This means that when the switch is down the lights are on and when it is up the lights are off. Revolutionary, eh?

Who needs an iPOD?

2007-09-18T08:39:00.000+01:00

I was warning my class that they had to look after their own property. I informed them that the school would not be responsible if they lost their mobile phone, iPOD, Walkman, Nintendo and so on. There were a few blank stares and one boy asked, “Sir, what’s a walkman?”

I think I need to listen to a few relaxing LPs

Instant BBQs

2007-09-04T20:12:00.000+01:00

I am assured by a reliable source that this is a true story.

A man went to the Customer Services counter in Tescos and asked if he could return one of their instant barbecues. The girl examined the box and found that everything was intact except for one corner of the lid which had been lifted up.

“What is the problem, sir?” the assistant asked.

The man replied, “This box has no sausages and bacon like on the picture.”

The girl managed to stifle her giggles and reached into the cash register to hand the man his money back, probably thinking, “Wait till I tell everybody this one at tea break!”

The man thanked her and asked, “Can I have my money back on the other two instant barbecues?”

“Certainly sir. Do you have them with you?”

“No, they’re still at home in the freezer.”

Back to porridge

2007-09-04T20:07:00.000+01:00

We started back to school this week, or should I say, started back to our new school. We moved into a brand new building on a different site and everyone, both staff and pupils, is still trying to get used to it.

We have a new intake of pupils and we are used to getting one or two eccentrics. However, one new boy took eccentricity to a new level when he removed his shoe and sock to lick his toes because they were sweaty! Far from being appalled at this odd behaviour, some of the female staff were envious that he was flexible enough to do this (we have a lot of female staff of a “certain age”). Personally, I am not impressed because I often put my foot in my mouth.

Я люблю Вас

2007-08-31T16:14:00.000+01:00

During July I spent a very enjoyable two weeks in Ukraine with a work team from my church. We had the opportunity to do some building work and assist the local church in a number of ways. I helped with the English language classes and I am proud that a generation of Ukrainians have started to speak English with a “Norn Iron” (ie “Northern Ireland” for the uncultured) accent.

A Ukrainian lady called Larissa cooked for us and we wanted to thank her at the end of the 2 weeks by giving her a small gift. As we were leaving, I gave her the present and said in my bad Russian: “This is for you.” She suddenly looked shocked and replied: “You love me??” I guess my Russian is worse than I thought.

Wanted: a good read

2007-06-19T17:46:00.000+01:00

Recently we were at our local health centre to get our vaccinations for our forthcoming trip abroad and I was struck by the lack of suitable reading material; material for men, that is. There was OK, Hello, Bride Monthly and so on, but nothing for men. I would even have perused Ulster Tattler to see how many people I knew in the photographs. It’s the same in dentists’ waiting rooms and hospitals. Is there some NHS directive which states that only women’s magazines should be provided?

Anyhow, I read all the posters on the walls and now I am an expert in head lice, symptoms of meningitis, the need for oral hygiene and breast-feeding, although I don’t think the last one will ever be useful! My threshold of boredom is very low and I had to do something to prevent meltdown. There was nothing else for it: I started to talk to my wife.

Would you like cheese with your w(h)ine?

2007-06-12T09:40:00.000+01:00

We are a nation of whingers. (This is my blog so I am allowed to whinge.) What is the main topic of complaint? Global warming, worldwide poverty, famine in Africa? No, the weather!

We have had over a week of hot, sunny, rainless days which is very unusual in Northern Ireland where the only difference between summer and winter is that the rain is warmer in summer! People have been complaining about the heat. All that can be heard is, “Heat’s wild” (Translation: It is uncomfortably warm.) This is usually followed by, “I’m leakin’ big draps.” (Translation: I am perspiring profusely.)

We are not used to the heat. My pupils are still wearing their sweaters and then wonder why they are hot and tired.

Well, today it is cloudy and the rain has returned. No doubt the change in the weather will now be a cause for complaint.

Wake up and smell the coffee

2007-05-10T15:35:00.000+01:00

I enjoy a good cup of coffee. In fact, I probably drink too much coffee but does that make me a bad person? (Answers on a postcard, please) However, I came across a checklist for coffee addiction and, unfortunately, some of these things apply to me!

You know you're addicted to coffee when: you are employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there... your eyes stay open when you sneeze...you chew on other people's fingernails...you can type sixty words per minute with your feet...you can jump-start your car without cables...you don't sweat, you percolate...you've worn out the handle on your favourite coffee mug...you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realise it's not hooked up...you've worn the finish off your coffee table...you're so wired, you pick up radio signals...your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil...you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee...you name your cats 'Milk' and 'Sugar'...your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug...you don't tan, you roast...you don't get mad, you get steamed... you think CPR stands for 'coffee provides resuscitation'...you ski uphill...you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked... you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.

Join me

2007-05-09T08:46:00.000+01:00

About 5 years ago Danny Wallace put an advert in a local newspaper which simply said 'Join Me'. He asked anyone who wanted to join him to send a passport photo and that was it! Danny didn't expect to anyone to reply, especially since the advert said nothing about what or why they were joining or even what 'joining' really meant. Amazingly, in few weeks 4000 people sent him photos and became 'joinees.' After a while the joinees were emailing their new 'leader' to ask what they had joined; what did their group do? Danny didn't know, he'd just done it for a bit of a laugh. Then he had an idea, tell them to live generously. Every Friday everyone had to perform a random act of kindness towards a stranger. Shopping was being carried, cuppas being paid for, flowers were taken to old people's homes, and cakes were left on doorsteps.

Read more about this amazing project: www.join-me.co.uk

Are they having a laugh?

2007-05-05T22:13:00.000+01:00

I just came across my non-prescription sleeping tablets (see the Easter in Malta post). I found the following on the packet: "Warning - may cause drowsiness." THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT THEM!

Worth a listen.

2007-05-04T08:34:00.000+01:00

One of my favourite websites at the moment is www.musicovery.com which is an internet radio site. It's just a matter of clicking a button that matches the mood you want and Musicovery starts to play an eclectic selection of music. The selection can be narrowed by music genre although I must confess that I haven't tried the rap section.

Did I hear correctly?

2007-05-03T11:20:00.000+01:00

I was doing a lesson on electricity with my Year 9 class (Form 2 in old money) and I asked them to complete a worksheet in which they had to write down things that use electricity. Nothing too taxing. The pupils started to ask me how to spell different words so I wrote them on the board - things like video, toaster, fridge. You get the idea. Things were going well until one boy asked, “Sir, how do you spell TV?” Even in a class of bad spellers this caused an uproar.

Proof that a man needs a wife!

2007-04-27T11:45:00.000+01:00

(Thanks to Chemical for this one.)

До свидания Борис

2007-04-27T08:36:00.000+01:00

Boris Yeltsin, the first president of the Russian Federation, died this week and the pundits have been on TV discussing his role in changing Russia from communism to capitalism. No doubt the historians have already started to write their books on Yeltsin. However, I’m sure they will give him a more prominent place in Russian history than one of my pupils who, on seeing a picture of Boris on TV, commented, “Oh, I know him! He done something but I can’t remember what it was.” I wonder if the BBC is looking for a new foreign correspondent?

Easter in Malta

2007-04-25T13:44:00.000+01:00

We had a fairly enjoyable Easter in Malta. We have been before and had a lovely holiday; the island is full of history and the people are lovely. We decided to go back for some sun and relaxation. We really should have done our homework! Actually, we did look up the apartment complex on Trip Advisor and thought it looked great. It was only after we had booked everything we discovered that we had looked at the wrong photographs and we were going to somewhere less salubrious!

The apartments weren’t too bad and we thought when we arrived that we could easily put up with them for a week. However, what we didn’t realise was that we were staying in the liveliest spot on the island. The noise was so bad that we could not get to sleep until 4am! After the second night we had bought earplugs and non-prescription sleeping tablets. If you want a quiet, relaxing time in Malta, stay away from the Bay Street area.

In spite of all we did come back relaxed but I’m not sure if that was the few days in the sun or the sleeping tablets!

X marks the spot

2007-01-21T16:17:00.000Z

I’ve been quite busy since I last blogged. I have been nursing my bank balance back to health after the Christmas consumer fest, I’ve been trying to lose the extra pounds put on through overeating and I’ve been indulging in my passion for geocaching. When I mention to friends what my hobby is they smile, say “Mmm,” and look at me as if I had just told them that I wear women’s clothes at the weekend – which I don’t!

Geocaching is a form of high-tech treasure hunting using a set of co-ordinates and a GPS receiver. (If you want to know more check out www.geocaching.com) Basically, someone hides a box, or cache, logs the co-ordinates on the Geocaching site and then people try to find it using a GPS. My daughter thinks I’m an anorak but with over 32000 of us in the world that’s some clothing industry!
Geocaching is a good excuse for a walk and I have seen some parts of the country that I would never have otherwise visited. Also it’s an excuse for adults to go looking for hidden treasure. Dressing up like Jack Sparrow (sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow) is optional but it tends to draw attention. Savvy?

My colleague, Chemical (click on her blog at the side), got me started on geocaching as well as blogging. She does other girlie things like make cards and bake cakes, but I definitely wont be taking those up as hobbies!

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

2006-12-11T15:27:00.000Z

There was a mix up in my timetable last week. I was not meant to get a particular class and then, unknown to me, the arrangements were changed and the pupils turned up unannounced at my door. I apologised to them that I did not have the worksheets photocopied but I was assured by the class that it didn’t matter – I could give them a “free” period instead! That started me on one of my long monologues about how I was a very experienced teacher so I could walk into any classroom and give a lesson at the drop of a hat. At which point a boy at the back of the class commented to his friend, “I just wish he would go and do it in another room.” I love my job!

Baaaaaah humbug!

2006-11-29T08:29:00.000Z

My sister recently informed me that she was getting me a goat for Christmas. Now, to be honest, I was a bit annoyed because I am one of those people who doesn’t like to be told what I’m getting for Christmas. I like the magic of unwrapping a Christmas present, wondering what goodies are inside. (OK, I’m a big child!) I even do my best to disguise presents I have bought for my nearest and dearest. You should see how I disguised a book I bought for my wife with an empty washing up liquid bottle, an old yoghurt carton and some sticky-backed plastic.

Wait a minute!! Did she just say that she was giving me a GOAT for Christmas? Reality kicked in. It was obvious that no amount of creative wrapping would disguise a goat.

I began to think of all the problems there would be with a goat for a pet. Where would I keep it in my bijou garden? Would I need council permission to own a goat in a residential area? However, I began to warm to the idea of being the only one in the street with a goat. Think of the endless supply of goat’s milk and cheese. I was glad I had watched all those Blue Peter programmes on caring for your pets, although, I don’t think they ever specifically covered goats. Mind you, I did look up some recipes for goat meat dishes on the internet – just in case things didn’t work out!

Then sister dropped another bombshell. Apparently I had misunderstood her and she wasn’t actually giving ME the goat but giving it to a family in a developing country on my behalf. I had become quite used to the idea of having a goat; I had started clearing out the garage and thinking of appropriate names! However, I had to agree that it was a brilliant idea to spend money on someone who really needed it. So, on Christmas morning a family in Africa will be unwrapping my goat. Still, it means I don’t have to worry about how to dispose of the droppings!

Why not think about helping someone this Christmas? Click here

I hate Terry Wogan

2006-11-22T08:38:00.000Z

I’ve never met Terry and he seems like a nice guy; I’ve even listened to his radio programme some mornings. (Did I just admit that?) Nevertheless, I hold him personably responsible for a practical joke that was played on me. This prank involved Children in Need, both of our Vice Principals, a couple of classroom assistants and a Pudsey Bear costume. I’ll not go into the embarrassing details but it’s enough to say that I was well and truly caught by the proverbial hook, line and sinker!

Now, being a bit of a practical joker myself, I adhere to the Prankster’s Code (the PC) that there must be swift and appropriate retribution. However, the aforementioned members of staff have been the victims of some of my previous japes so I felt that, in all fairness, they should be given a by-ball for their antics. But according to the PC somebody must suffer. How do you get your own back on a stuffed bear called Pudsey? Children in Need, being a very worthy charity, is sacrosanct. That leaves Mr Wogan, as the face of Children in Need! Watch your back, Terry!!

If only I had the nerve!!

2006-10-24T08:38:00.000+01:00

Homer J Simpson - the people's philosopher

2006-10-13T17:11:00.000+01:00

My favourite cartoon character is Homer Simpson. Homer is an ordinary man who tries to do the best for his family but somehow manages to get things wrong. However, his heart’s in the right place. I can identify with him!

In one episode of the Simpsons, Homer gave Bart some advice in the form of 3 excuses which would help him in tricky situations. I have used these excuses and they usually work.

1 It was like that when I got here.
2 I didn’t do it.
3 You can’t prove anything!

(Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if they don’t work in your case!)

Am I obsessed with OCD?

2006-10-10T08:37:00.000+01:00

I think I am developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For example, when loading the dishwasher I have to put all the knives together in the cutlery basket; the same goes for spoons, forks etc. Dear help anyone who puts an item of cutlery in the wrong place! I rationalise this by telling myself that this is an efficient way of storing things because they can be lifted out by the handful and easily placed in the drawer. However, my wife insists that I am seriously disturbed.

Recently, I have started to obsess over locking the back door when going out. If someone asks if the door is locked I have to check it even though I am absolutely convinced that I locked it. I get no sympathy from the family. It’s got to the stage that when we are about to go out my wife and daughter look at each other in a conspiratorial manner and one of them says, “Is the back door locked? (giggle)”. AND THEY KNOW I HAVE TO CHECK IT AGAIN!

Am I becoming obsessive?

McFlurries and senior moments.

2006-10-06T10:53:00.000+01:00

Recently my wife and I stopped off at McDonalds on the way home for a couple of McFlurries – I know how to show a girl a good time! We drove up to the window to order our usual treats (we’re creatures of habit).

“Two McFlurries, please,” I said to the youth behind the bullet-proof (?) glass, “a Cadbury Flake and a ……”

The neurons in my brain had a sudden power failure. I just couldn’t remember my usual McFlurry!

I turned to my wife and asked her, “What is the one I usually have? You know, the one with the crunchy bits in it.”

She gave me the look only married men will appreciate and said, “You mean a ...... CRUNCHIE.”

After the revolution

2006-09-30T21:46:00.000+01:00

One thing about teaching – you never know what to expect next.

For example, during a lesson I happened to ask the class that if they could wish for absolutely anything what would they want. I got the usual answers: winning the lottery, a big house, a horse, playing for Man Utd and even world peace (watch Miss Congeniality!). Harry’s answer surprised me. He wanted to rule the world!

Harry was a quiet lad who had never previously shown signs of megalomania. He had opened the garden gate and I had to go up the path. I asked him what he would do with me if he ruled the world and he replied, “Sir, I would put you in charge of the bins.”

Relieved that he wasn’t going to put me up against the wall in front of a firing squad, I asked him why he would give me that job. “My uncle is a bin man, sir, and it’s a great job.”

Mmm … time for a career change?

Today cyberspace, tomorrow the world!

2006-09-26T17:31:00.000+01:00

Yesss! Got my first comment! At least one person out there in cyberspace has read my blog. I am on target for turning the world around to my way of thinking!

If you come across this blog, why not leave a comment to tell me you are like-minded, that you disagree with me (you’re wrong!) or just to say hello.

One small step for mankind, one huge leap in the dark for me!

2006-09-24T16:35:00.000+01:00

I have always considered blogs to be random ramblings from self-opinionated bores. That is until I had to post a comment on a friend’s blog as a rebuttal to some of her comments about me. These comments were not in the least offensive but I just wanted to put across my side of the story. To be honest, I was quite flattered that she had taken the time to write about me in her blog. However, I suddenly realised the power of The Blog.

I remembered the episode of Father Ted in which Ted was given the Golden Cleric Award and used his acceptance speech as an opportunity to name and shame anyone who had annoyed him. The Blog would give me such an opportunity. It would also give me a window where I could share my thoughts on anything and everything to the world; a chance to get a lot of things off my chest. I could even …. Wait a minute! I have become a self-opinionated bore!!