Wanted: a good read

Recently we were at our local health centre to get our vaccinations for our forthcoming trip abroad and I was struck by the lack of suitable reading material; material for men, that is. There was OK, Hello, Bride Monthly and so on, but nothing for men. I would even have perused Ulster Tattler to see how many people I knew in the photographs. It’s the same in dentists’ waiting rooms and hospitals. Is there some NHS directive which states that only women’s magazines should be provided?

Anyhow, I read all the posters on the walls and now I am an expert in head lice, symptoms of meningitis, the need for oral hygiene and breast-feeding, although I don’t think the last one will ever be useful! My threshold of boredom is very low and I had to do something to prevent meltdown. There was nothing else for it: I started to talk to my wife.

Would you like cheese with your w(h)ine?

We are a nation of whingers. (This is my blog so I am allowed to whinge.) What is the main topic of complaint? Global warming, worldwide poverty, famine in Africa? No, the weather!

We have had over a week of hot, sunny, rainless days which is very unusual in Northern Ireland where the only difference between summer and winter is that the rain is warmer in summer! People have been complaining about the heat. All that can be heard is, “Heat’s wild” (Translation: It is uncomfortably warm.) This is usually followed by, “I’m leakin’ big draps.” (Translation: I am perspiring profusely.)

We are not used to the heat. My pupils are still wearing their sweaters and then wonder why they are hot and tired.

Well, today it is cloudy and the rain has returned. No doubt the change in the weather will now be a cause for complaint.

Wake up and smell the coffee

I enjoy a good cup of coffee. In fact, I probably drink too much coffee but does that make me a bad person? (Answers on a postcard, please) However, I came across a checklist for coffee addiction and, unfortunately, some of these things apply to me!

You know you're addicted to coffee when: you are employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there... your eyes stay open when you sneeze...you chew on other people's fingernails...you can type sixty words per minute with your feet...you can jump-start your car without cables...you don't sweat, you percolate...you've worn out the handle on your favourite coffee mug...you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realise it's not hooked up...you've worn the finish off your coffee table...you're so wired, you pick up radio signals...your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil...you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee...you name your cats 'Milk' and 'Sugar'...your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug...you don't tan, you roast...you don't get mad, you get steamed... you think CPR stands for 'coffee provides resuscitation'...you ski uphill...you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked... you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.

Join me

About 5 years ago Danny Wallace put an advert in a local newspaper which simply said 'Join Me'. He asked anyone who wanted to join him to send a passport photo and that was it! Danny didn't expect to anyone to reply, especially since the advert said nothing about what or why they were joining or even what 'joining' really meant. Amazingly, in few weeks 4000 people sent him photos and became 'joinees.' After a while the joinees were emailing their new 'leader' to ask what they had joined; what did their group do? Danny didn't know, he'd just done it for a bit of a laugh. Then he had an idea, tell them to live generously. Every Friday everyone had to perform a random act of kindness towards a stranger. Shopping was being carried, cuppas being paid for, flowers were taken to old people's homes, and cakes were left on doorsteps.

Read more about this amazing project: www.join-me.co.uk

Are they having a laugh?

I just came across my non-prescription sleeping tablets (see the Easter in Malta post). I found the following on the packet: "Warning - may cause drowsiness." THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT THEM!

Worth a listen.

One of my favourite websites at the moment is www.musicovery.com which is an internet radio site. It's just a matter of clicking a button that matches the mood you want and Musicovery starts to play an eclectic selection of music. The selection can be narrowed by music genre although I must confess that I haven't tried the rap section.

Did I hear correctly?

I was doing a lesson on electricity with my Year 9 class (Form 2 in old money) and I asked them to complete a worksheet in which they had to write down things that use electricity. Nothing too taxing. The pupils started to ask me how to spell different words so I wrote them on the board - things like video, toaster, fridge. You get the idea. Things were going well until one boy asked, “Sir, how do you spell TV?” Even in a class of bad spellers this caused an uproar.

Proof that a man needs a wife!

(Thanks to Chemical for this one.)

До свидания Борис

Boris Yeltsin, the first president of the Russian Federation, died this week and the pundits have been on TV discussing his role in changing Russia from communism to capitalism. No doubt the historians have already started to write their books on Yeltsin. However, I’m sure they will give him a more prominent place in Russian history than one of my pupils who, on seeing a picture of Boris on TV, commented, “Oh, I know him! He done something but I can’t remember what it was.” I wonder if the BBC is looking for a new foreign correspondent?

Easter in Malta

We had a fairly enjoyable Easter in Malta. We have been before and had a lovely holiday; the island is full of history and the people are lovely. We decided to go back for some sun and relaxation. We really should have done our homework! Actually, we did look up the apartment complex on Trip Advisor and thought it looked great. It was only after we had booked everything we discovered that we had looked at the wrong photographs and we were going to somewhere less salubrious!

The apartments weren’t too bad and we thought when we arrived that we could easily put up with them for a week. However, what we didn’t realise was that we were staying in the liveliest spot on the island. The noise was so bad that we could not get to sleep until 4am! After the second night we had bought earplugs and non-prescription sleeping tablets. If you want a quiet, relaxing time in Malta, stay away from the Bay Street area.

In spite of all we did come back relaxed but I’m not sure if that was the few days in the sun or the sleeping tablets!

X marks the spot

I’ve been quite busy since I last blogged. I have been nursing my bank balance back to health after the Christmas consumer fest, I’ve been trying to lose the extra pounds put on through overeating and I’ve been indulging in my passion for geocaching. When I mention to friends what my hobby is they smile, say “Mmm,” and look at me as if I had just told them that I wear women’s clothes at the weekend – which I don’t!

Geocaching is a form of high-tech treasure hunting using a set of co-ordinates and a GPS receiver. (If you want to know more check out www.geocaching.com) Basically, someone hides a box, or cache, logs the co-ordinates on the Geocaching site and then people try to find it using a GPS. My daughter thinks I’m an anorak but with over 32000 of us in the world that’s some clothing industry!
Geocaching is a good excuse for a walk and I have seen some parts of the country that I would never have otherwise visited. Also it’s an excuse for adults to go looking for hidden treasure. Dressing up like Jack Sparrow (sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow) is optional but it tends to draw attention. Savvy?

My colleague, Chemical (click on her blog at the side), got me started on geocaching as well as blogging. She does other girlie things like make cards and bake cakes, but I definitely wont be taking those up as hobbies!

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

There was a mix up in my timetable last week. I was not meant to get a particular class and then, unknown to me, the arrangements were changed and the pupils turned up unannounced at my door. I apologised to them that I did not have the worksheets photocopied but I was assured by the class that it didn’t matter – I could give them a “free” period instead! That started me on one of my long monologues about how I was a very experienced teacher so I could walk into any classroom and give a lesson at the drop of a hat. At which point a boy at the back of the class commented to his friend, “I just wish he would go and do it in another room.” I love my job!

Baaaaaah humbug!

My sister recently informed me that she was getting me a goat for Christmas. Now, to be honest, I was a bit annoyed because I am one of those people who doesn’t like to be told what I’m getting for Christmas. I like the magic of unwrapping a Christmas present, wondering what goodies are inside. (OK, I’m a big child!) I even do my best to disguise presents I have bought for my nearest and dearest. You should see how I disguised a book I bought for my wife with an empty washing up liquid bottle, an old yoghurt carton and some sticky-backed plastic.

Wait a minute!! Did she just say that she was giving me a GOAT for Christmas? Reality kicked in. It was obvious that no amount of creative wrapping would disguise a goat.

I began to think of all the problems there would be with a goat for a pet. Where would I keep it in my bijou garden? Would I need council permission to own a goat in a residential area? However, I began to warm to the idea of being the only one in the street with a goat. Think of the endless supply of goat’s milk and cheese. I was glad I had watched all those Blue Peter programmes on caring for your pets, although, I don’t think they ever specifically covered goats. Mind you, I did look up some recipes for goat meat dishes on the internet – just in case things didn’t work out!

Then sister dropped another bombshell. Apparently I had misunderstood her and she wasn’t actually giving ME the goat but giving it to a family in a developing country on my behalf. I had become quite used to the idea of having a goat; I had started clearing out the garage and thinking of appropriate names! However, I had to agree that it was a brilliant idea to spend money on someone who really needed it. So, on Christmas morning a family in Africa will be unwrapping my goat. Still, it means I don’t have to worry about how to dispose of the droppings!

Why not think about helping someone this Christmas? Click here

I hate Terry Wogan

I’ve never met Terry and he seems like a nice guy; I’ve even listened to his radio programme some mornings. (Did I just admit that?) Nevertheless, I hold him personably responsible for a practical joke that was played on me. This prank involved Children in Need, both of our Vice Principals, a couple of classroom assistants and a Pudsey Bear costume. I’ll not go into the embarrassing details but it’s enough to say that I was well and truly caught by the proverbial hook, line and sinker!

Now, being a bit of a practical joker myself, I adhere to the Prankster’s Code (the PC) that there must be swift and appropriate retribution. However, the aforementioned members of staff have been the victims of some of my previous japes so I felt that, in all fairness, they should be given a by-ball for their antics. But according to the PC somebody must suffer. How do you get your own back on a stuffed bear called Pudsey? Children in Need, being a very worthy charity, is sacrosanct. That leaves Mr Wogan, as the face of Children in Need! Watch your back, Terry!!

If only I had the nerve!!

Homer J Simpson - the people's philosopher

My favourite cartoon character is Homer Simpson. Homer is an ordinary man who tries to do the best for his family but somehow manages to get things wrong. However, his heart’s in the right place. I can identify with him!

In one episode of the Simpsons, Homer gave Bart some advice in the form of 3 excuses which would help him in tricky situations. I have used these excuses and they usually work.

1 It was like that when I got here.
2 I didn’t do it.
3 You can’t prove anything!

(Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if they don’t work in your case!)

Am I obsessed with OCD?

I think I am developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For example, when loading the dishwasher I have to put all the knives together in the cutlery basket; the same goes for spoons, forks etc. Dear help anyone who puts an item of cutlery in the wrong place! I rationalise this by telling myself that this is an efficient way of storing things because they can be lifted out by the handful and easily placed in the drawer. However, my wife insists that I am seriously disturbed.

Recently, I have started to obsess over locking the back door when going out. If someone asks if the door is locked I have to check it even though I am absolutely convinced that I locked it. I get no sympathy from the family. It’s got to the stage that when we are about to go out my wife and daughter look at each other in a conspiratorial manner and one of them says, “Is the back door locked? (giggle)”. AND THEY KNOW I HAVE TO CHECK IT AGAIN!

Am I becoming obsessive?

McFlurries and senior moments.

Recently my wife and I stopped off at McDonalds on the way home for a couple of McFlurries – I know how to show a girl a good time! We drove up to the window to order our usual treats (we’re creatures of habit).

“Two McFlurries, please,” I said to the youth behind the bullet-proof (?) glass, “a Cadbury Flake and a ……”

The neurons in my brain had a sudden power failure. I just couldn’t remember my usual McFlurry!

I turned to my wife and asked her, “What is the one I usually have? You know, the one with the crunchy bits in it.”

She gave me the look only married men will appreciate and said, “You mean a ...... CRUNCHIE.”

After the revolution

One thing about teaching – you never know what to expect next.

For example, during a lesson I happened to ask the class that if they could wish for absolutely anything what would they want. I got the usual answers: winning the lottery, a big house, a horse, playing for Man Utd and even world peace (watch Miss Congeniality!). Harry’s answer surprised me. He wanted to rule the world!

Harry was a quiet lad who had never previously shown signs of megalomania. He had opened the garden gate and I had to go up the path. I asked him what he would do with me if he ruled the world and he replied, “Sir, I would put you in charge of the bins.”

Relieved that he wasn’t going to put me up against the wall in front of a firing squad, I asked him why he would give me that job. “My uncle is a bin man, sir, and it’s a great job.”

Mmm … time for a career change?

Today cyberspace, tomorrow the world!

Yesss! Got my first comment! At least one person out there in cyberspace has read my blog. I am on target for turning the world around to my way of thinking!

If you come across this blog, why not leave a comment to tell me you are like-minded, that you disagree with me (you’re wrong!) or just to say hello.