Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

There was a mix up in my timetable last week. I was not meant to get a particular class and then, unknown to me, the arrangements were changed and the pupils turned up unannounced at my door. I apologised to them that I did not have the worksheets photocopied but I was assured by the class that it didn’t matter – I could give them a “free” period instead! That started me on one of my long monologues about how I was a very experienced teacher so I could walk into any classroom and give a lesson at the drop of a hat. At which point a boy at the back of the class commented to his friend, “I just wish he would go and do it in another room.” I love my job!

Baaaaaah humbug!

My sister recently informed me that she was getting me a goat for Christmas. Now, to be honest, I was a bit annoyed because I am one of those people who doesn’t like to be told what I’m getting for Christmas. I like the magic of unwrapping a Christmas present, wondering what goodies are inside. (OK, I’m a big child!) I even do my best to disguise presents I have bought for my nearest and dearest. You should see how I disguised a book I bought for my wife with an empty washing up liquid bottle, an old yoghurt carton and some sticky-backed plastic.

Wait a minute!! Did she just say that she was giving me a GOAT for Christmas? Reality kicked in. It was obvious that no amount of creative wrapping would disguise a goat.

I began to think of all the problems there would be with a goat for a pet. Where would I keep it in my bijou garden? Would I need council permission to own a goat in a residential area? However, I began to warm to the idea of being the only one in the street with a goat. Think of the endless supply of goat’s milk and cheese. I was glad I had watched all those Blue Peter programmes on caring for your pets, although, I don’t think they ever specifically covered goats. Mind you, I did look up some recipes for goat meat dishes on the internet – just in case things didn’t work out!

Then sister dropped another bombshell. Apparently I had misunderstood her and she wasn’t actually giving ME the goat but giving it to a family in a developing country on my behalf. I had become quite used to the idea of having a goat; I had started clearing out the garage and thinking of appropriate names! However, I had to agree that it was a brilliant idea to spend money on someone who really needed it. So, on Christmas morning a family in Africa will be unwrapping my goat. Still, it means I don’t have to worry about how to dispose of the droppings!

Why not think about helping someone this Christmas? Click here

I hate Terry Wogan

I’ve never met Terry and he seems like a nice guy; I’ve even listened to his radio programme some mornings. (Did I just admit that?) Nevertheless, I hold him personably responsible for a practical joke that was played on me. This prank involved Children in Need, both of our Vice Principals, a couple of classroom assistants and a Pudsey Bear costume. I’ll not go into the embarrassing details but it’s enough to say that I was well and truly caught by the proverbial hook, line and sinker!

Now, being a bit of a practical joker myself, I adhere to the Prankster’s Code (the PC) that there must be swift and appropriate retribution. However, the aforementioned members of staff have been the victims of some of my previous japes so I felt that, in all fairness, they should be given a by-ball for their antics. But according to the PC somebody must suffer. How do you get your own back on a stuffed bear called Pudsey? Children in Need, being a very worthy charity, is sacrosanct. That leaves Mr Wogan, as the face of Children in Need! Watch your back, Terry!!

If only I had the nerve!!

Homer J Simpson - the people's philosopher

My favourite cartoon character is Homer Simpson. Homer is an ordinary man who tries to do the best for his family but somehow manages to get things wrong. However, his heart’s in the right place. I can identify with him!

In one episode of the Simpsons, Homer gave Bart some advice in the form of 3 excuses which would help him in tricky situations. I have used these excuses and they usually work.

1 It was like that when I got here.
2 I didn’t do it.
3 You can’t prove anything!

(Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if they don’t work in your case!)

Am I obsessed with OCD?

I think I am developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For example, when loading the dishwasher I have to put all the knives together in the cutlery basket; the same goes for spoons, forks etc. Dear help anyone who puts an item of cutlery in the wrong place! I rationalise this by telling myself that this is an efficient way of storing things because they can be lifted out by the handful and easily placed in the drawer. However, my wife insists that I am seriously disturbed.

Recently, I have started to obsess over locking the back door when going out. If someone asks if the door is locked I have to check it even though I am absolutely convinced that I locked it. I get no sympathy from the family. It’s got to the stage that when we are about to go out my wife and daughter look at each other in a conspiratorial manner and one of them says, “Is the back door locked? (giggle)”. AND THEY KNOW I HAVE TO CHECK IT AGAIN!

Am I becoming obsessive?

McFlurries and senior moments.

Recently my wife and I stopped off at McDonalds on the way home for a couple of McFlurries – I know how to show a girl a good time! We drove up to the window to order our usual treats (we’re creatures of habit).

“Two McFlurries, please,” I said to the youth behind the bullet-proof (?) glass, “a Cadbury Flake and a ……”

The neurons in my brain had a sudden power failure. I just couldn’t remember my usual McFlurry!

I turned to my wife and asked her, “What is the one I usually have? You know, the one with the crunchy bits in it.”

She gave me the look only married men will appreciate and said, “You mean a ...... CRUNCHIE.”

After the revolution

One thing about teaching – you never know what to expect next.

For example, during a lesson I happened to ask the class that if they could wish for absolutely anything what would they want. I got the usual answers: winning the lottery, a big house, a horse, playing for Man Utd and even world peace (watch Miss Congeniality!). Harry’s answer surprised me. He wanted to rule the world!

Harry was a quiet lad who had never previously shown signs of megalomania. He had opened the garden gate and I had to go up the path. I asked him what he would do with me if he ruled the world and he replied, “Sir, I would put you in charge of the bins.”

Relieved that he wasn’t going to put me up against the wall in front of a firing squad, I asked him why he would give me that job. “My uncle is a bin man, sir, and it’s a great job.”

Mmm … time for a career change?

Today cyberspace, tomorrow the world!

Yesss! Got my first comment! At least one person out there in cyberspace has read my blog. I am on target for turning the world around to my way of thinking!

If you come across this blog, why not leave a comment to tell me you are like-minded, that you disagree with me (you’re wrong!) or just to say hello.

One small step for mankind, one huge leap in the dark for me!

I have always considered blogs to be random ramblings from self-opinionated bores. That is until I had to post a comment on a friend’s blog as a rebuttal to some of her comments about me. These comments were not in the least offensive but I just wanted to put across my side of the story. To be honest, I was quite flattered that she had taken the time to write about me in her blog. However, I suddenly realised the power of The Blog.

I remembered the episode of Father Ted in which Ted was given the Golden Cleric Award and used his acceptance speech as an opportunity to name and shame anyone who had annoyed him. The Blog would give me such an opportunity. It would also give me a window where I could share my thoughts on anything and everything to the world; a chance to get a lot of things off my chest. I could even …. Wait a minute! I have become a self-opinionated bore!!