Why do I bother?

Me: Right everyone, pass me your work. I want to take it to mark it.

Pupil: Why are you taking it to market, sir?

Doh!

...but you knew that already!

If you need a wee lift, log on to the following site but insert your first name instead of "a" and your surname instead of "b".

a.b.youaremighty.com

Warning: Do not take this site, nor yourself, too seriously!

Some things never change

I just got a text message to deal with an urgent situation at home. My daughter is off work today and my son is having a sickie. He is feeling the cold and wants the heating on in the house and she is too warm and wants it off!

Up, up and away

My daughter has booked a flight to spend a day Christmas shopping in London in a couple of weeks' time. She is flying from Belfast to London Stanstead with Ryan Air and the total cost for the return fare is 2p! Not 2p plus taxes, but 2p!! Considering I am now paying £1 per litre of petrol, how does Ryan Air do it?

Des Res

If you are looking for a new des res (estate agents' jargon for "desirable residence") then read what Allan Sherman says the brochure really means:

If an ad says "unusual," that means the house has a weird architectural design.
If it says "quaint," the house is extremely old.
If it says "charming," it's the size of a doll house.
And if it says "interesting," don't even bother!

Way too soon!

Last night I spotted two houses with christmas decorations up.

The long arm of the law

My friend Dave is a policeman. One night while on patrol he pulled in a car which had only one tail light.

"Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" he asked the motorist.

The man replied, "Is it because I'm driving without tax and insurance?"

It could only happen in Norn Iron.

Satnav: an exciting alternative

My wife and I decided to have a few days away for half-term and we planned a nice, relaxing break in Dun Laoghaire (for my international readers, this is on the southern outskirts of Dublin and is pronounced Dun Leery).

With the address of our hotel typed into my trusty satnav we headed South. As we neared Dublin, I was surprised that the posh English lady who gives us directions from my satnav didn't use the M50 Dublin by-pass but seemed to be guiding us through the centre of Dublin. I was even more surprised when we hit the Dublin marathon! Posh English Lady kept telling me to turn into streets but the Garda kept saying "Not this way, mate." She would not listen to my pleas - just like a woman - but tried to get me to join the marathon route. We eventually got out of Dublin and arrived at our hotel without further ado.

On the way home, Mrs Pluto decided she wanted to go to the large shopping centre at Dundrum where she invested a considerable amount of euros in the Irish economy. Once again I naively thought that Posh English Lady would get us on to the M50, which was quite near, but she must have this thing about the centre of Dublin, this time she took us through it in the middle of the rush hour!