Tiocfaidh Ár Lá

I was taking a Religious Education class and we were discussing what happened at Easter. I asked the class what word described Jesus coming back to life; I wanted them to use "resurrection". There was total silence along with much scratching of heads, looking to the ceiling and face contortions, all to impress me that brains were in gear.

"It starts with R," I said, helpfully.

One hand shot up immediately and a boy answered, "The Easter Rising!"

(You need to know something about Irish history to get that one)

Not guilty

The school fire alarm went off again today! The pupils and staff assembled in the playground as normal and I got a lot of friendly abuse for setting it off again. (Read what happened last time) However, this time I was not the culprit; another teacher had knocked against the sensor.

Smoke gets in your eyes (again)

We (ie, myself and some other male members of staff) had a BBQ at lunchtime today. There's nothing wrong with that, you may think. However, it's a bit early in the year for BBQs and in Ireland we can usually only have them on about 3 days a year. Also it was raining. But the thing that makes this one different is that we had it in the conservatory, sorry greenhouse! I did check that there were no smoke detectors nearby (see my previous post)

The thing that worries me is, not the reaction that will come from the jealous female members of staff, but the reaction that comes from eating undercooked pork sausages! We only have three quarters of an hour for lunch and we had to rush some things.

Amen!

I take morning assembly in school once a week. I quite enjoy it even though at times it's a bit like performing in a tough working men's club in the North of England.

Many of our pupils have Asberger's syndrome so you're never sure what they will say or do. For example, at the end of assembly one pupil stood up and made the announcement: "I would just like to say that there are going to be gales tonight so everybody better get ready." Thanks for the weather forecast! Then there was the time that the Principal had lost the place in her notes and was a bit hesitant about what was coming next. One boy shouted out: "Oh, get on with it!" Kids! You can't beat them (pity!)

It is customary to finish the assembly off with the whole school saying The Lord's Prayer. I got through everything without too much static from the kids and was well into the prayer. I expect trouble from the kids but not the staff. In the middle of the prayer a teacher's mobile phone went off. It had one of those ringtones that seems like a great idea to have on your mobile until it begins to play in an inappropriate place, eg a funeral service, church ........ morning assembly. He got away with it (unlike my faux pas with the fire alarm) because the Principal thought it was a pupil's phone that was ringing.

I don't mean to be irreverent but I can recite The Lord's Prayer backwards in my sleep. However, I have been put off by the pupils a few times and it's very hard to get back on track; it's a bit like trying to count while someone shouts out random numbers. (Try it and see how difficult it is) Because of past experiences I have the Prayer on a card in my Bible for emergencies and boy was I glad of it that day!

Click here if you want to here the offending ringtone.

Smoke gets in your eyes

I was doing a simple experiment with the kids yesterday and, as part of it, I demonstrated what happens when magnesium burns. Normally this demonstration is accompanied by a chorus of "Ooh!" "Aah" "Cor, do it again, sir!" This time, however, there was the additional sound of the fire alarm! The smoke detectors in the new school seem to be more sensitive than the ones in the old school.

As a result, the entire school (including the principal who had just left my room with some visitors she was showing around at the time) evacuated to the playground. I was a bit shame-faced as you can imagine but I thought that if I said nothing then I might just get away with it. Not so. Every class has a blabber mouth and before long it was around the whole school that I was the culprit. OK, so it was a bit chilly, but there was no need for the staff to take it so personally and issue me with more death threats than Salman Rushdie.

Make my day, (furry) punk!

Recently we had a visit from a wee furry friend in the house. I managed to chase it around the kitchen and out the door to the back garden. Mrs Pluto promptly ordered me over to B&Q to get a mousetrap. I was amazed at the variety of ways of catching the wee blighters. One humane trap stated that when the mouse was caught it should be released at least 1km from the house! I just wanted to get rid of the mouse, not take it for a drive in the country. I didn’t want to befriend it, just terminate it. So, it was one small rodent versus one homo sapient with attitude and technology. There was only going to be one outcome – and it was not David and Goliath Part 2. If you want to see what happened click here, but it’s not for the squeamish.

Foiled!

I sometimes do a spot of blogging in school - during my break and lunchtime (just in case my Principal somehow finds this blog and becomes an avid fan!). However, the school has raised the level of security on the system and now I cannot access Blogger. Is this mean, or what? Wait a minute! Maybe the Principal has come across my blog, doesn't like it and has changed the filters on the school computer network .....

..... It's OK, Boss, I'll get the School Development Plan finished right away!!

It makes you think

We had problems with our water supply over the weekend. A burst water main meant we had reduced pressure downstairs and no water upstairs. We fared better than our neighbours across the street because they had no supply at all. It made me think of those who don't have the luxury of water on tap at any time.

We have it very easy in this country!

I am so smrt!

I just checked my blog's readability level with Blog Readability Test. Apparently it's undergraduate level. Wow! It must all them big words I use. I just wish I knew what half of them meant.

Is it Friday yet?

Well done Northern Ireland Railways

I had to travel into town without my car this morning so I thought I would accompany my daughter. She drives to the railway station, parks her car and commutes to Belfast by train.

Now, I haven't been on a local train for some time so I was pleasantly surprised at the comfortable, road-rage-free trip. The carriages were modern, clean and warm. I would travel this way in future if my work was convenient to a station. My only gripe - there's always one! - is that the recorded announcements were made by an English lady. What's wrong with having a Norn Iron voice?

The worst part of the trip was the five-minute drive to the station. It brought back my traumatic experiences of teaching Miss Pluto to drive!

I want one of those

There is a trend nowadays for electronic devices to have a number of functions. For example, my mobile phone has a camera, mp3 player, voice recorder, light, calendar, notepad, internet connection, calculator and plays games. Oh yes, it lets me make phone calls as well. My iPod lets me do more than just play music. So, I was interested to read that you can now get a taser holster with an integrated media player! I couldn’t help wondering what this was for – the media player, not the taser. Is it to play soothing music while the victim comes round? Or maybe it lets the police catch up on the latest episode of The Bill while they wait for the criminal to be coherent enough to give a statement.

I have already checked with the Department of Education for Northern Ireland and, unfortunately, I am not allowed to use any sort of taser in the classroom

Spot the Teacher

I started back to school last week after a fortnight off for Christmas. (Note to non-teachers: I’m not even going to try to justify teachers’ holidays – get over it and move on!) I realised when I started last Monday that I was out on a course on Wednesday. Happy days! I’d forgotten all about it.

The course was held in W5 which is an interactive discovery centre, much visited by school trips. During our seminar some primary school kids on one of the aforementioned trips walked past our room, rapped the window and waved in. They were just being friendly, but the teacher in me wanted to go out and remonstrate with them. Some other teachers on the course later said they felt like doing the same. I have been teaching so long that I think I am institutionalised and I find I act out my role in the real world. My daughter often remarks, “Dad, stop being a teacher.”

I was in town with my daughter and spoke briefly to a friend. My daughter asked if he was a teacher and when I asked her how she knew she said, “You can spot teachers a mile away”

Can anyone tell me what it is that identifies a teacher? Mind you, I have noticed if I am out for a meal with friends that it’s always a teacher who takes charge of the menu and divides out the bill.

Tired dog

Someone sent me this story by email and I thought I would share it with dog lovers:

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Merry Christmas

Don’t get me wrong. I REALLY love Christmas. In fact, one year my daughter said to me, “Dad, I must be the only girl in my class who has to tell her father to settle down on Christmas Eve!”

However, there are certain things I don’t like about Christmas: Christmas cards, for one thing. I don’t see the point of sending Christmas cards to wish people a Merry Christmas when I’m going to wish them it personally. Mrs Pluto has an obsession about cards. She even carries a few spares in her handbag in case (horror of horrors) she is given a card from someone she doesn’t have on her list.

And then there is the problem of what do you do with all the cards until they can go into the recycling bin after Christmas?

If it were up to me (unfortunately, it’s not) I would only send cards to people I wont see at Christmas.

So, to all my friends – Merry Christmas

My wife will probably send you a card anyway.

Why do I bother?

Me: Right everyone, pass me your work. I want to take it to mark it.

Pupil: Why are you taking it to market, sir?

Doh!

...but you knew that already!

If you need a wee lift, log on to the following site but insert your first name instead of "a" and your surname instead of "b".

a.b.youaremighty.com

Warning: Do not take this site, nor yourself, too seriously!

Some things never change

I just got a text message to deal with an urgent situation at home. My daughter is off work today and my son is having a sickie. He is feeling the cold and wants the heating on in the house and she is too warm and wants it off!

Up, up and away

My daughter has booked a flight to spend a day Christmas shopping in London in a couple of weeks' time. She is flying from Belfast to London Stanstead with Ryan Air and the total cost for the return fare is 2p! Not 2p plus taxes, but 2p!! Considering I am now paying £1 per litre of petrol, how does Ryan Air do it?

Des Res

If you are looking for a new des res (estate agents' jargon for "desirable residence") then read what Allan Sherman says the brochure really means:

If an ad says "unusual," that means the house has a weird architectural design.
If it says "quaint," the house is extremely old.
If it says "charming," it's the size of a doll house.
And if it says "interesting," don't even bother!