You're not worthy!

One of my pupils gave me a Christmas card and on it she wrote: "To the best teacher ever." What more can I say?

Laugh and the world laughs with you.

The other day I had just come into school and I got the distinct impression that there was something wrong with one of my shoes. There was. I was wearing an odd pair! At least they were both black. Should I go home immediately and change them or brave it out. I decided that there were worse things in life than wearing odd shoes so I stayed. No one actually noticed my faux pas until I told two members of staff and then it was advertised near and far. I even got mocking text messages from staff who weren't in school that day.

That was very embarassing but nowhere near as bad as my collegue who actually admitted that yesterday he tried to de-ice his windscreen with a can of white paint. The penny still hadn't dropped at the end of the day when his was the only car in the car park with "ice" on the windscreen! He even had another go with the paint spray!

If the children ever got to hear what their teachers were really like .....

Pluto: The Next Generation

We got a phone call just after 5 o'clock this morning. It was our son to tell us that our daughter-in-law had just given birth to a bouncing baby girl. This is our first grandchild and I intend to spoil the young lady rotten. That was the good news; the bad news is that I am now married to a granny!

Nine Expressions Women Use

A friend (obviously male) gave me this and I thought I all the men in cyberspace would value the advice.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the match before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually an expression, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome’. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is another way of saying #6!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

RipoffAir

Mrs Pluto and I recently flew to London with Ryanair. Yes, this is another rant about RipoffAir! Onboard we were charged £8 for 2 cups of coffee and 2 biscuits. However, that was partly offset by looking through the in-flight catalogue. Ryanair were selling a number of interesting things besides aftershave and perfume. Mind you, I have never actually seen anyone buying an electronic rodent scarer nor a wireless doorbell.

Tagged

Ali has tagged me (again!) To get her off my back I have to give 8 random facts about myself. So here goes in no particular order:

1. My earliest memory consists of having my head stuck in my toy lorry. I wanted to see what was inside; that seems quite reasonable.

2. I used to work in Harland & Wolff, where the Titanic was built; no, I did not work there when the ill-fated ship was actually being built! Also, the Titanic was alright when it left Belfast so it's not our fault it sank.

3. My favourite desert is apple crumble and custard, with banoffee pie coming a close second.

4. I worked in Nigeria with a missionary society and taught in a church school. While there, we were buying some souvenirs from a Hausa trader and I jokingly asked him how much he would give me for my wife (as you do!) He offered some serious money and I was giving it serious consideration until Mrs Pluto pulled me away.

5. I was arrested in Russia during the summer.

6. My first job as a newly qualified teacher was in the school I attended as a pupil. It was strange, at first, going into the staffroom and calling my former teachers by their first name. I had the grace to forgive those who had caned me as a pupil.

7. At the end of a family holiday in Sardinia I discovered that I had lost my passport just as we were setting off to the airport. However, EasyJet let me on to the plane with my driving licence as proof of identity. To be honest, I was hoping for a few extra days on the island on my own while the British Consulate issued me a new passport.

8. During a trip to Ukraine I accidentally told a lady I loved her! I think my wife saw the funny side of it.

(Now stop nagging me, Ali!)

Dick who?

Further to my comments about Dick Turpin, the famous highwayman, my wife and I were in York earlier this year. I was looking in a brochure for a list of things to see in the city and found that Turpin was buried in the city. I thought this might be interesting so off I went, Mrs Pluto in tow.

The map wasn't very clear and we had a bit of trouble finding the grave. Even a local couldn't direct us to the spot where the most famous of England's highwaymen was buried.

We eventually found the grave in what appeared to be a garden next to a church. The outlaw's final resting place was marked by a simple headstone.

Honour thy father

The other night I put the bin out for collection and it was raining; what’s new? However, it was a very fine drizzle and made a lovely orange haze around the streetlights. It also had the effect of dampening (no pun intended) sounds giving the evening a peaceful feeling.

I went back into the house and told my wife and daughter how peaceful it was outside. I said that I was even tempted to stand outside in the rain with an umbrella just to experience the calmness.

My daughter’s comment was, “Mum, he’s my dad and I had no choice, but you MARRIED him!”

Stand and deliver!

Mrs Pluto and I have planned a weekend trip to London (no, I did not use the word "romantic"). As I blogged before, my daughter got a fantastic deal from Ryanair so we looked up the website to see what was on offer. The flights were reasonably cheap so I started to complete the online booking form. This was when the cost started to go up.

I found that it cost £24 to check in one piece of luggage, including the privilege of having a member of staff stick on one of those annoying destination labels at the check-in desk. Mrs Pluto was informed that she would just have to pack her hairdryer in a rucksack along with all her balms and lotions (in plastic containers no larger than 100ml). I also discovered that those sneaky Ryanair people had ticked the box to buy their travel insurance; this was unticked.

What really annoyed me, however, was the charge for using a credit card. Now I know that it costs to process payments by credit card but surely not £4 per person per flight? This put the cost up by another £16. Only one payment had to be processed therefore, in my simplistic view, only £4 should be charged.

Dick Turpin is alive and well and works for Ryanair

Merry ...........

I have just been reminded by my "friend" Ali that there are 113 days til Christmas! Thanks, Ali!!

Public Enemy Number 1

In July I had the opportunity of going to the Russian city of Novosibirsk with a Christian organisation. Novosibirsk is in Siberia and every time I told someone I was going I was asked about the snow and freezing temperatures. No one seemed to realise that in summer the temperatures can reach 40C!

The team I was with worked in a small town about 600km from Novosibirsk and we were involved in running kids' clubs and English lessons. We travelled by overnight train and the sleeping arrangements were interesting. Suffice it to say that the berths were very close together and I got to know some Russians really well!

The kids were lovely and things went very well until we had some problems with the authorities. Now, I am a very boring, law-abiding person and I have never been in trouble with the police, even for a motoring offence. (OK, there was the time I was stopped by the police in Florida but I didn't get a ticket so that doesn't count.) You can imagine how I felt when I was arrested by none other than the FSB (the former KGB!) We were accused of not registering our stay in the town and carted off in a police van to the local nick.

The local police were rather more laid back about the situation. They treated us very well and let us go after about an hour and a half during which time we all had to make statements. It seems that the FSB were just making things difficult for the local church.

Of course, when I got home my friends had a field day! One accused my wife of tipping off the FSB and another said that I was only allowed home because the Russian authorities recognised they had to adhere to international human rights, something Mrs Pluto hasn't signed up to!

It was encouraging to know that during my incarceration my family was very concerned. I received a text message from my daughter: "My dad is an international criminal. Oh the shame!"

Howdy Pardner

Some of you may have spotted that I have not been blogging regularly of late. I have been busy with other things and I have been meaning to get back down to some serious complaining. Anyway, my catalyst is George W. Bush.

George W. came to Belfast last week and, while it was nice of him to visit the Province, I cannot understand that he was only here for about 3 hours in the afternoon but the traffic in the Greater Belfast area came to a complete gridlock for most of the evening. I know a number of schools closed for the afternoon and maybe my rant stems from the fact that my school wasn't one of them!

Tiocfaidh Ár Lá

I was taking a Religious Education class and we were discussing what happened at Easter. I asked the class what word described Jesus coming back to life; I wanted them to use "resurrection". There was total silence along with much scratching of heads, looking to the ceiling and face contortions, all to impress me that brains were in gear.

"It starts with R," I said, helpfully.

One hand shot up immediately and a boy answered, "The Easter Rising!"

(You need to know something about Irish history to get that one)

Not guilty

The school fire alarm went off again today! The pupils and staff assembled in the playground as normal and I got a lot of friendly abuse for setting it off again. (Read what happened last time) However, this time I was not the culprit; another teacher had knocked against the sensor.

Smoke gets in your eyes (again)

We (ie, myself and some other male members of staff) had a BBQ at lunchtime today. There's nothing wrong with that, you may think. However, it's a bit early in the year for BBQs and in Ireland we can usually only have them on about 3 days a year. Also it was raining. But the thing that makes this one different is that we had it in the conservatory, sorry greenhouse! I did check that there were no smoke detectors nearby (see my previous post)

The thing that worries me is, not the reaction that will come from the jealous female members of staff, but the reaction that comes from eating undercooked pork sausages! We only have three quarters of an hour for lunch and we had to rush some things.

Amen!

I take morning assembly in school once a week. I quite enjoy it even though at times it's a bit like performing in a tough working men's club in the North of England.

Many of our pupils have Asberger's syndrome so you're never sure what they will say or do. For example, at the end of assembly one pupil stood up and made the announcement: "I would just like to say that there are going to be gales tonight so everybody better get ready." Thanks for the weather forecast! Then there was the time that the Principal had lost the place in her notes and was a bit hesitant about what was coming next. One boy shouted out: "Oh, get on with it!" Kids! You can't beat them (pity!)

It is customary to finish the assembly off with the whole school saying The Lord's Prayer. I got through everything without too much static from the kids and was well into the prayer. I expect trouble from the kids but not the staff. In the middle of the prayer a teacher's mobile phone went off. It had one of those ringtones that seems like a great idea to have on your mobile until it begins to play in an inappropriate place, eg a funeral service, church ........ morning assembly. He got away with it (unlike my faux pas with the fire alarm) because the Principal thought it was a pupil's phone that was ringing.

I don't mean to be irreverent but I can recite The Lord's Prayer backwards in my sleep. However, I have been put off by the pupils a few times and it's very hard to get back on track; it's a bit like trying to count while someone shouts out random numbers. (Try it and see how difficult it is) Because of past experiences I have the Prayer on a card in my Bible for emergencies and boy was I glad of it that day!

Click here if you want to here the offending ringtone.

Smoke gets in your eyes

I was doing a simple experiment with the kids yesterday and, as part of it, I demonstrated what happens when magnesium burns. Normally this demonstration is accompanied by a chorus of "Ooh!" "Aah" "Cor, do it again, sir!" This time, however, there was the additional sound of the fire alarm! The smoke detectors in the new school seem to be more sensitive than the ones in the old school.

As a result, the entire school (including the principal who had just left my room with some visitors she was showing around at the time) evacuated to the playground. I was a bit shame-faced as you can imagine but I thought that if I said nothing then I might just get away with it. Not so. Every class has a blabber mouth and before long it was around the whole school that I was the culprit. OK, so it was a bit chilly, but there was no need for the staff to take it so personally and issue me with more death threats than Salman Rushdie.

Make my day, (furry) punk!

Recently we had a visit from a wee furry friend in the house. I managed to chase it around the kitchen and out the door to the back garden. Mrs Pluto promptly ordered me over to B&Q to get a mousetrap. I was amazed at the variety of ways of catching the wee blighters. One humane trap stated that when the mouse was caught it should be released at least 1km from the house! I just wanted to get rid of the mouse, not take it for a drive in the country. I didn’t want to befriend it, just terminate it. So, it was one small rodent versus one homo sapient with attitude and technology. There was only going to be one outcome – and it was not David and Goliath Part 2. If you want to see what happened click here, but it’s not for the squeamish.

Foiled!

I sometimes do a spot of blogging in school - during my break and lunchtime (just in case my Principal somehow finds this blog and becomes an avid fan!). However, the school has raised the level of security on the system and now I cannot access Blogger. Is this mean, or what? Wait a minute! Maybe the Principal has come across my blog, doesn't like it and has changed the filters on the school computer network .....

..... It's OK, Boss, I'll get the School Development Plan finished right away!!

It makes you think

We had problems with our water supply over the weekend. A burst water main meant we had reduced pressure downstairs and no water upstairs. We fared better than our neighbours across the street because they had no supply at all. It made me think of those who don't have the luxury of water on tap at any time.

We have it very easy in this country!

I am so smrt!

I just checked my blog's readability level with Blog Readability Test. Apparently it's undergraduate level. Wow! It must all them big words I use. I just wish I knew what half of them meant.

Is it Friday yet?

Well done Northern Ireland Railways

I had to travel into town without my car this morning so I thought I would accompany my daughter. She drives to the railway station, parks her car and commutes to Belfast by train.

Now, I haven't been on a local train for some time so I was pleasantly surprised at the comfortable, road-rage-free trip. The carriages were modern, clean and warm. I would travel this way in future if my work was convenient to a station. My only gripe - there's always one! - is that the recorded announcements were made by an English lady. What's wrong with having a Norn Iron voice?

The worst part of the trip was the five-minute drive to the station. It brought back my traumatic experiences of teaching Miss Pluto to drive!

I want one of those

There is a trend nowadays for electronic devices to have a number of functions. For example, my mobile phone has a camera, mp3 player, voice recorder, light, calendar, notepad, internet connection, calculator and plays games. Oh yes, it lets me make phone calls as well. My iPod lets me do more than just play music. So, I was interested to read that you can now get a taser holster with an integrated media player! I couldn’t help wondering what this was for – the media player, not the taser. Is it to play soothing music while the victim comes round? Or maybe it lets the police catch up on the latest episode of The Bill while they wait for the criminal to be coherent enough to give a statement.

I have already checked with the Department of Education for Northern Ireland and, unfortunately, I am not allowed to use any sort of taser in the classroom

Spot the Teacher

I started back to school last week after a fortnight off for Christmas. (Note to non-teachers: I’m not even going to try to justify teachers’ holidays – get over it and move on!) I realised when I started last Monday that I was out on a course on Wednesday. Happy days! I’d forgotten all about it.

The course was held in W5 which is an interactive discovery centre, much visited by school trips. During our seminar some primary school kids on one of the aforementioned trips walked past our room, rapped the window and waved in. They were just being friendly, but the teacher in me wanted to go out and remonstrate with them. Some other teachers on the course later said they felt like doing the same. I have been teaching so long that I think I am institutionalised and I find I act out my role in the real world. My daughter often remarks, “Dad, stop being a teacher.”

I was in town with my daughter and spoke briefly to a friend. My daughter asked if he was a teacher and when I asked her how she knew she said, “You can spot teachers a mile away”

Can anyone tell me what it is that identifies a teacher? Mind you, I have noticed if I am out for a meal with friends that it’s always a teacher who takes charge of the menu and divides out the bill.

Tired dog

Someone sent me this story by email and I thought I would share it with dog lovers:

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"