Well done Northern Ireland Railways

I had to travel into town without my car this morning so I thought I would accompany my daughter. She drives to the railway station, parks her car and commutes to Belfast by train.

Now, I haven't been on a local train for some time so I was pleasantly surprised at the comfortable, road-rage-free trip. The carriages were modern, clean and warm. I would travel this way in future if my work was convenient to a station. My only gripe - there's always one! - is that the recorded announcements were made by an English lady. What's wrong with having a Norn Iron voice?

The worst part of the trip was the five-minute drive to the station. It brought back my traumatic experiences of teaching Miss Pluto to drive!

I want one of those

There is a trend nowadays for electronic devices to have a number of functions. For example, my mobile phone has a camera, mp3 player, voice recorder, light, calendar, notepad, internet connection, calculator and plays games. Oh yes, it lets me make phone calls as well. My iPod lets me do more than just play music. So, I was interested to read that you can now get a taser holster with an integrated media player! I couldn’t help wondering what this was for – the media player, not the taser. Is it to play soothing music while the victim comes round? Or maybe it lets the police catch up on the latest episode of The Bill while they wait for the criminal to be coherent enough to give a statement.

I have already checked with the Department of Education for Northern Ireland and, unfortunately, I am not allowed to use any sort of taser in the classroom

Spot the Teacher

I started back to school last week after a fortnight off for Christmas. (Note to non-teachers: I’m not even going to try to justify teachers’ holidays – get over it and move on!) I realised when I started last Monday that I was out on a course on Wednesday. Happy days! I’d forgotten all about it.

The course was held in W5 which is an interactive discovery centre, much visited by school trips. During our seminar some primary school kids on one of the aforementioned trips walked past our room, rapped the window and waved in. They were just being friendly, but the teacher in me wanted to go out and remonstrate with them. Some other teachers on the course later said they felt like doing the same. I have been teaching so long that I think I am institutionalised and I find I act out my role in the real world. My daughter often remarks, “Dad, stop being a teacher.”

I was in town with my daughter and spoke briefly to a friend. My daughter asked if he was a teacher and when I asked her how she knew she said, “You can spot teachers a mile away”

Can anyone tell me what it is that identifies a teacher? Mind you, I have noticed if I am out for a meal with friends that it’s always a teacher who takes charge of the menu and divides out the bill.

Tired dog

Someone sent me this story by email and I thought I would share it with dog lovers:

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Merry Christmas

Don’t get me wrong. I REALLY love Christmas. In fact, one year my daughter said to me, “Dad, I must be the only girl in my class who has to tell her father to settle down on Christmas Eve!”

However, there are certain things I don’t like about Christmas: Christmas cards, for one thing. I don’t see the point of sending Christmas cards to wish people a Merry Christmas when I’m going to wish them it personally. Mrs Pluto has an obsession about cards. She even carries a few spares in her handbag in case (horror of horrors) she is given a card from someone she doesn’t have on her list.

And then there is the problem of what do you do with all the cards until they can go into the recycling bin after Christmas?

If it were up to me (unfortunately, it’s not) I would only send cards to people I wont see at Christmas.

So, to all my friends – Merry Christmas

My wife will probably send you a card anyway.

Why do I bother?

Me: Right everyone, pass me your work. I want to take it to mark it.

Pupil: Why are you taking it to market, sir?

Doh!

...but you knew that already!

If you need a wee lift, log on to the following site but insert your first name instead of "a" and your surname instead of "b".

a.b.youaremighty.com

Warning: Do not take this site, nor yourself, too seriously!

Some things never change

I just got a text message to deal with an urgent situation at home. My daughter is off work today and my son is having a sickie. He is feeling the cold and wants the heating on in the house and she is too warm and wants it off!

Up, up and away

My daughter has booked a flight to spend a day Christmas shopping in London in a couple of weeks' time. She is flying from Belfast to London Stanstead with Ryan Air and the total cost for the return fare is 2p! Not 2p plus taxes, but 2p!! Considering I am now paying £1 per litre of petrol, how does Ryan Air do it?

Des Res

If you are looking for a new des res (estate agents' jargon for "desirable residence") then read what Allan Sherman says the brochure really means:

If an ad says "unusual," that means the house has a weird architectural design.
If it says "quaint," the house is extremely old.
If it says "charming," it's the size of a doll house.
And if it says "interesting," don't even bother!

Way too soon!

Last night I spotted two houses with christmas decorations up.

The long arm of the law

My friend Dave is a policeman. One night while on patrol he pulled in a car which had only one tail light.

"Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" he asked the motorist.

The man replied, "Is it because I'm driving without tax and insurance?"

It could only happen in Norn Iron.

Satnav: an exciting alternative

My wife and I decided to have a few days away for half-term and we planned a nice, relaxing break in Dun Laoghaire (for my international readers, this is on the southern outskirts of Dublin and is pronounced Dun Leery).

With the address of our hotel typed into my trusty satnav we headed South. As we neared Dublin, I was surprised that the posh English lady who gives us directions from my satnav didn't use the M50 Dublin by-pass but seemed to be guiding us through the centre of Dublin. I was even more surprised when we hit the Dublin marathon! Posh English Lady kept telling me to turn into streets but the Garda kept saying "Not this way, mate." She would not listen to my pleas - just like a woman - but tried to get me to join the marathon route. We eventually got out of Dublin and arrived at our hotel without further ado.

On the way home, Mrs Pluto decided she wanted to go to the large shopping centre at Dundrum where she invested a considerable amount of euros in the Irish economy. Once again I naively thought that Posh English Lady would get us on to the M50, which was quite near, but she must have this thing about the centre of Dublin, this time she took us through it in the middle of the rush hour!

Well-meaning friends

From time to time well-meaning friends forward me emails they have received warning them of all sorts of dire consequences that will happen to their computers if they get a new virus which is doing the rounds. They have been strongly advised to forward the email to everyone in their contacts address book which is why I end up with it. Whenever I receive anything that tells me to pass this on to all my friends I do an internet search and it has always been a hoax. I usually reply to the “friends” and let them know the truth.

Another nuisance email I sometimes get, like the one that arrived this week and prompted this rant, warns me of a scam which runs up a massive phone bill if I call a particular number. This also turned out to be a hoax. Mind you, an article appeared in my local community newspaper giving credence to the scam. And here’s me thinking that everything printed in the press was true!!

I would just like to say to all my concerned, well-meaning friends: Do a google search before you forward me any warnings! You’re wasting my time!!

Already?

I just heard a couple of ads for Christmas on TV. I love Christmas but is it my imagination or is the build up to Christmas getting earlier each year?

Miss November

After reading my friend Ali’s blog I was reminded that we decided last year to make a Science Department Pin Up Calendar of our classroom assistants. (Not one of THOSE calendars, Ali) It began because one of the girls was a bit down and we decided to cheer her up. So she became Miss November. We did it for a laugh – nothing tasteless or smutty.

Anyway, we lost interest after November and let the whole thing drop. There were a lot of complaints from the other assistants, not because of the male chauvinist thing, but because they had not been asked to go on the calendar. You can’t win.

Let there be (no) light!

I have finally gotten the lights in my classroom sorted. This is something I know has been of great interest to those of you who read my blogs on a regular basis. It turned out that they were wired wrongly (why didn't I think of that?) Now I can turn them off so that I can show the kids a DVD, play soothing music and bore them to sleep .............zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pearls before swine

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast

(William Congreve)

Studies have shown that playing classical music, especially Mozart for some reason, can have a calming effect in the classroom. I have tried this on a number of occasions when the pupils are doing practical work and it seems to work.

During one class I had the radio tuned to Classic FM and there was a particularly soothing instrumental piece playing. One girl obviously had not read the research and said, “Sir, I can’t stand that opera music.”


Her friend was a bit more knowledgeable and told her, “That’s not opera music. Opera is when some woman sings at the top of her voice and you can’t make out the words.”

And here’s me thinking that was a description of heavy metal.

Light headed

We have just moved to a new, purpose-built school. It is great because I was in a mobile classroom (why do they call them mobiles when they don’t move?) and it was not pleasant getting to the main building when the weather was bad (most of the time).

In general, I am quite happy with my new facilities even though the room is slightly smaller than my old one. One benefit of the new accommodation is that I have a conservatory adjoining my room although, for some strange reason, it is described in the architect’s plans as a greenhouse.

The school has been designed to be ‘green’ so it has many energy saving devices and recycles rainwater to flush toilets etc. My room has a modern lighting system which is operated by motion sensors. This means that the lights go off automatically. Unfortunately, I discovered that I cannot turn off the lights to watch videos or carry out experiments on light or colour unless the entire class sits perfectly still the whole time. (Yeah, that’s going to happen!) After much thought and scientific application I found that if I disabled the motion sensor with a piece of card and some sticky-back plastic then the lights could be turned off.

The builders have come up with a more permanent solution. They are going to install an ingenious manual activation device on the wall. This means that when the switch is down the lights are on and when it is up the lights are off. Revolutionary, eh?

Who needs an iPOD?

I was warning my class that they had to look after their own property. I informed them that the school would not be responsible if they lost their mobile phone, iPOD, Walkman, Nintendo and so on. There were a few blank stares and one boy asked, “Sir, what’s a walkman?”

I think I need to listen to a few relaxing LPs