Merry Christmas

Don’t get me wrong. I REALLY love Christmas. In fact, one year my daughter said to me, “Dad, I must be the only girl in my class who has to tell her father to settle down on Christmas Eve!”

However, there are certain things I don’t like about Christmas: Christmas cards, for one thing. I don’t see the point of sending Christmas cards to wish people a Merry Christmas when I’m going to wish them it personally. Mrs Pluto has an obsession about cards. She even carries a few spares in her handbag in case (horror of horrors) she is given a card from someone she doesn’t have on her list.

And then there is the problem of what do you do with all the cards until they can go into the recycling bin after Christmas?

If it were up to me (unfortunately, it’s not) I would only send cards to people I wont see at Christmas.

So, to all my friends – Merry Christmas

My wife will probably send you a card anyway.

Why do I bother?

Me: Right everyone, pass me your work. I want to take it to mark it.

Pupil: Why are you taking it to market, sir?

Doh!

...but you knew that already!

If you need a wee lift, log on to the following site but insert your first name instead of "a" and your surname instead of "b".

a.b.youaremighty.com

Warning: Do not take this site, nor yourself, too seriously!

Some things never change

I just got a text message to deal with an urgent situation at home. My daughter is off work today and my son is having a sickie. He is feeling the cold and wants the heating on in the house and she is too warm and wants it off!

Up, up and away

My daughter has booked a flight to spend a day Christmas shopping in London in a couple of weeks' time. She is flying from Belfast to London Stanstead with Ryan Air and the total cost for the return fare is 2p! Not 2p plus taxes, but 2p!! Considering I am now paying £1 per litre of petrol, how does Ryan Air do it?

Des Res

If you are looking for a new des res (estate agents' jargon for "desirable residence") then read what Allan Sherman says the brochure really means:

If an ad says "unusual," that means the house has a weird architectural design.
If it says "quaint," the house is extremely old.
If it says "charming," it's the size of a doll house.
And if it says "interesting," don't even bother!

Way too soon!

Last night I spotted two houses with christmas decorations up.

The long arm of the law

My friend Dave is a policeman. One night while on patrol he pulled in a car which had only one tail light.

"Do you know why I've stopped you, sir?" he asked the motorist.

The man replied, "Is it because I'm driving without tax and insurance?"

It could only happen in Norn Iron.

Satnav: an exciting alternative

My wife and I decided to have a few days away for half-term and we planned a nice, relaxing break in Dun Laoghaire (for my international readers, this is on the southern outskirts of Dublin and is pronounced Dun Leery).

With the address of our hotel typed into my trusty satnav we headed South. As we neared Dublin, I was surprised that the posh English lady who gives us directions from my satnav didn't use the M50 Dublin by-pass but seemed to be guiding us through the centre of Dublin. I was even more surprised when we hit the Dublin marathon! Posh English Lady kept telling me to turn into streets but the Garda kept saying "Not this way, mate." She would not listen to my pleas - just like a woman - but tried to get me to join the marathon route. We eventually got out of Dublin and arrived at our hotel without further ado.

On the way home, Mrs Pluto decided she wanted to go to the large shopping centre at Dundrum where she invested a considerable amount of euros in the Irish economy. Once again I naively thought that Posh English Lady would get us on to the M50, which was quite near, but she must have this thing about the centre of Dublin, this time she took us through it in the middle of the rush hour!

Well-meaning friends

From time to time well-meaning friends forward me emails they have received warning them of all sorts of dire consequences that will happen to their computers if they get a new virus which is doing the rounds. They have been strongly advised to forward the email to everyone in their contacts address book which is why I end up with it. Whenever I receive anything that tells me to pass this on to all my friends I do an internet search and it has always been a hoax. I usually reply to the “friends” and let them know the truth.

Another nuisance email I sometimes get, like the one that arrived this week and prompted this rant, warns me of a scam which runs up a massive phone bill if I call a particular number. This also turned out to be a hoax. Mind you, an article appeared in my local community newspaper giving credence to the scam. And here’s me thinking that everything printed in the press was true!!

I would just like to say to all my concerned, well-meaning friends: Do a google search before you forward me any warnings! You’re wasting my time!!

Already?

I just heard a couple of ads for Christmas on TV. I love Christmas but is it my imagination or is the build up to Christmas getting earlier each year?

Miss November

After reading my friend Ali’s blog I was reminded that we decided last year to make a Science Department Pin Up Calendar of our classroom assistants. (Not one of THOSE calendars, Ali) It began because one of the girls was a bit down and we decided to cheer her up. So she became Miss November. We did it for a laugh – nothing tasteless or smutty.

Anyway, we lost interest after November and let the whole thing drop. There were a lot of complaints from the other assistants, not because of the male chauvinist thing, but because they had not been asked to go on the calendar. You can’t win.

Let there be (no) light!

I have finally gotten the lights in my classroom sorted. This is something I know has been of great interest to those of you who read my blogs on a regular basis. It turned out that they were wired wrongly (why didn't I think of that?) Now I can turn them off so that I can show the kids a DVD, play soothing music and bore them to sleep .............zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pearls before swine

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast

(William Congreve)

Studies have shown that playing classical music, especially Mozart for some reason, can have a calming effect in the classroom. I have tried this on a number of occasions when the pupils are doing practical work and it seems to work.

During one class I had the radio tuned to Classic FM and there was a particularly soothing instrumental piece playing. One girl obviously had not read the research and said, “Sir, I can’t stand that opera music.”


Her friend was a bit more knowledgeable and told her, “That’s not opera music. Opera is when some woman sings at the top of her voice and you can’t make out the words.”

And here’s me thinking that was a description of heavy metal.

Light headed

We have just moved to a new, purpose-built school. It is great because I was in a mobile classroom (why do they call them mobiles when they don’t move?) and it was not pleasant getting to the main building when the weather was bad (most of the time).

In general, I am quite happy with my new facilities even though the room is slightly smaller than my old one. One benefit of the new accommodation is that I have a conservatory adjoining my room although, for some strange reason, it is described in the architect’s plans as a greenhouse.

The school has been designed to be ‘green’ so it has many energy saving devices and recycles rainwater to flush toilets etc. My room has a modern lighting system which is operated by motion sensors. This means that the lights go off automatically. Unfortunately, I discovered that I cannot turn off the lights to watch videos or carry out experiments on light or colour unless the entire class sits perfectly still the whole time. (Yeah, that’s going to happen!) After much thought and scientific application I found that if I disabled the motion sensor with a piece of card and some sticky-back plastic then the lights could be turned off.

The builders have come up with a more permanent solution. They are going to install an ingenious manual activation device on the wall. This means that when the switch is down the lights are on and when it is up the lights are off. Revolutionary, eh?

Who needs an iPOD?

I was warning my class that they had to look after their own property. I informed them that the school would not be responsible if they lost their mobile phone, iPOD, Walkman, Nintendo and so on. There were a few blank stares and one boy asked, “Sir, what’s a walkman?”

I think I need to listen to a few relaxing LPs

Instant BBQs

I am assured by a reliable source that this is a true story.

A man went to the Customer Services counter in Tescos and asked if he could return one of their instant barbecues. The girl examined the box and found that everything was intact except for one corner of the lid which had been lifted up.

“What is the problem, sir?” the assistant asked.

The man replied, “This box has no sausages and bacon like on the picture.”

The girl managed to stifle her giggles and reached into the cash register to hand the man his money back, probably thinking, “Wait till I tell everybody this one at tea break!”

The man thanked her and asked, “Can I have my money back on the other two instant barbecues?”

“Certainly sir. Do you have them with you?”

“No, they’re still at home in the freezer.”

Back to porridge

We started back to school this week, or should I say, started back to our new school. We moved into a brand new building on a different site and everyone, both staff and pupils, is still trying to get used to it.

We have a new intake of pupils and we are used to getting one or two eccentrics. However, one new boy took eccentricity to a new level when he removed his shoe and sock to lick his toes because they were sweaty! Far from being appalled at this odd behaviour, some of the female staff were envious that he was flexible enough to do this (we have a lot of female staff of a “certain age”). Personally, I am not impressed because I often put my foot in my mouth.

Я люблю Вас

During July I spent a very enjoyable two weeks in Ukraine with a work team from my church. We had the opportunity to do some building work and assist the local church in a number of ways. I helped with the English language classes and I am proud that a generation of Ukrainians have started to speak English with a “Norn Iron” (ie “Northern Ireland” for the uncultured) accent.

A Ukrainian lady called Larissa cooked for us and we wanted to thank her at the end of the 2 weeks by giving her a small gift. As we were leaving, I gave her the present and said in my bad Russian: “This is for you.” She suddenly looked shocked and replied: “You love me??” I guess my Russian is worse than I thought.

Wanted: a good read

Recently we were at our local health centre to get our vaccinations for our forthcoming trip abroad and I was struck by the lack of suitable reading material; material for men, that is. There was OK, Hello, Bride Monthly and so on, but nothing for men. I would even have perused Ulster Tattler to see how many people I knew in the photographs. It’s the same in dentists’ waiting rooms and hospitals. Is there some NHS directive which states that only women’s magazines should be provided?

Anyhow, I read all the posters on the walls and now I am an expert in head lice, symptoms of meningitis, the need for oral hygiene and breast-feeding, although I don’t think the last one will ever be useful! My threshold of boredom is very low and I had to do something to prevent meltdown. There was nothing else for it: I started to talk to my wife.

Would you like cheese with your w(h)ine?

We are a nation of whingers. (This is my blog so I am allowed to whinge.) What is the main topic of complaint? Global warming, worldwide poverty, famine in Africa? No, the weather!

We have had over a week of hot, sunny, rainless days which is very unusual in Northern Ireland where the only difference between summer and winter is that the rain is warmer in summer! People have been complaining about the heat. All that can be heard is, “Heat’s wild” (Translation: It is uncomfortably warm.) This is usually followed by, “I’m leakin’ big draps.” (Translation: I am perspiring profusely.)

We are not used to the heat. My pupils are still wearing their sweaters and then wonder why they are hot and tired.

Well, today it is cloudy and the rain has returned. No doubt the change in the weather will now be a cause for complaint.

Wake up and smell the coffee

I enjoy a good cup of coffee. In fact, I probably drink too much coffee but does that make me a bad person? (Answers on a postcard, please) However, I came across a checklist for coffee addiction and, unfortunately, some of these things apply to me!

You know you're addicted to coffee when: you are employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there... your eyes stay open when you sneeze...you chew on other people's fingernails...you can type sixty words per minute with your feet...you can jump-start your car without cables...you don't sweat, you percolate...you've worn out the handle on your favourite coffee mug...you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realise it's not hooked up...you've worn the finish off your coffee table...you're so wired, you pick up radio signals...your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil...you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee...you name your cats 'Milk' and 'Sugar'...your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position...you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug...you don't tan, you roast...you don't get mad, you get steamed... you think CPR stands for 'coffee provides resuscitation'...you ski uphill...you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked... you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.

Join me

About 5 years ago Danny Wallace put an advert in a local newspaper which simply said 'Join Me'. He asked anyone who wanted to join him to send a passport photo and that was it! Danny didn't expect to anyone to reply, especially since the advert said nothing about what or why they were joining or even what 'joining' really meant. Amazingly, in few weeks 4000 people sent him photos and became 'joinees.' After a while the joinees were emailing their new 'leader' to ask what they had joined; what did their group do? Danny didn't know, he'd just done it for a bit of a laugh. Then he had an idea, tell them to live generously. Every Friday everyone had to perform a random act of kindness towards a stranger. Shopping was being carried, cuppas being paid for, flowers were taken to old people's homes, and cakes were left on doorsteps.

Read more about this amazing project: www.join-me.co.uk

Are they having a laugh?

I just came across my non-prescription sleeping tablets (see the Easter in Malta post). I found the following on the packet: "Warning - may cause drowsiness." THAT'S WHY I BOUGHT THEM!

Worth a listen.

One of my favourite websites at the moment is www.musicovery.com which is an internet radio site. It's just a matter of clicking a button that matches the mood you want and Musicovery starts to play an eclectic selection of music. The selection can be narrowed by music genre although I must confess that I haven't tried the rap section.

Did I hear correctly?

I was doing a lesson on electricity with my Year 9 class (Form 2 in old money) and I asked them to complete a worksheet in which they had to write down things that use electricity. Nothing too taxing. The pupils started to ask me how to spell different words so I wrote them on the board - things like video, toaster, fridge. You get the idea. Things were going well until one boy asked, “Sir, how do you spell TV?” Even in a class of bad spellers this caused an uproar.

Proof that a man needs a wife!

(Thanks to Chemical for this one.)

До свидания Борис

Boris Yeltsin, the first president of the Russian Federation, died this week and the pundits have been on TV discussing his role in changing Russia from communism to capitalism. No doubt the historians have already started to write their books on Yeltsin. However, I’m sure they will give him a more prominent place in Russian history than one of my pupils who, on seeing a picture of Boris on TV, commented, “Oh, I know him! He done something but I can’t remember what it was.” I wonder if the BBC is looking for a new foreign correspondent?

Easter in Malta

We had a fairly enjoyable Easter in Malta. We have been before and had a lovely holiday; the island is full of history and the people are lovely. We decided to go back for some sun and relaxation. We really should have done our homework! Actually, we did look up the apartment complex on Trip Advisor and thought it looked great. It was only after we had booked everything we discovered that we had looked at the wrong photographs and we were going to somewhere less salubrious!

The apartments weren’t too bad and we thought when we arrived that we could easily put up with them for a week. However, what we didn’t realise was that we were staying in the liveliest spot on the island. The noise was so bad that we could not get to sleep until 4am! After the second night we had bought earplugs and non-prescription sleeping tablets. If you want a quiet, relaxing time in Malta, stay away from the Bay Street area.

In spite of all we did come back relaxed but I’m not sure if that was the few days in the sun or the sleeping tablets!

X marks the spot

I’ve been quite busy since I last blogged. I have been nursing my bank balance back to health after the Christmas consumer fest, I’ve been trying to lose the extra pounds put on through overeating and I’ve been indulging in my passion for geocaching. When I mention to friends what my hobby is they smile, say “Mmm,” and look at me as if I had just told them that I wear women’s clothes at the weekend – which I don’t!

Geocaching is a form of high-tech treasure hunting using a set of co-ordinates and a GPS receiver. (If you want to know more check out www.geocaching.com) Basically, someone hides a box, or cache, logs the co-ordinates on the Geocaching site and then people try to find it using a GPS. My daughter thinks I’m an anorak but with over 32000 of us in the world that’s some clothing industry!
Geocaching is a good excuse for a walk and I have seen some parts of the country that I would never have otherwise visited. Also it’s an excuse for adults to go looking for hidden treasure. Dressing up like Jack Sparrow (sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow) is optional but it tends to draw attention. Savvy?

My colleague, Chemical (click on her blog at the side), got me started on geocaching as well as blogging. She does other girlie things like make cards and bake cakes, but I definitely wont be taking those up as hobbies!